I'll Remember

Twenty-ninth Week

Everything was vague for me. You won't tell me anything beyond the surface. I was purposely kept in the dark regarding your situation. Was that to protect me?

Bakit? I don't need that.

Diba tough cookie ako?

Kaya ko, Sky. Dapat sinabi mo agad. I could take more pain just for you. Seeing you in one of your worst state, I realized that I could actually shoulder more sadness. Ibigay mo sa akin. Hindi ako tatakbo. Hindi kita iiwan.

"Stop crying. You're breaking my heart." You softly brushed away my tears. Buong byahe pauwi, walang nagsalita sa atin. It's just my uncontrollable sobs that broke the silence between us.

You still didn't tell me anything. At lalo lang akong nabigo. I want to understand you but you just won't let me.

"You're the one who's breaking my heart!" Pinalo ko pa ang braso mo. I thought you're just faking hurt but you winced and groaned from the hit. "Sorry, are you hurt?" Sinubukan kong iangat ang sweaters mo para makita ang braso pero mabilis mong hinuli ang kamay ko.

Pero nakita ko na ang pasa.

"Go inside. I'll drive home when you do." You nonchalantly covered it up.

"I'm not letting you slide, Sky. I'm not going to force you into telling me but that doesn't mean you're off the hook!"

"Yes, ma'am." You saluted before kissing my forehead. Sinubukan mo pang ngumisi, but I'm not buying that.

I became restless. Hindi mawala sa isip ko ang imahe mong umiiyak. The helplessness and desperation in your voice when you repeatedly told me that you don't want to be sick again.

Alam kong napansin mo ang pag-aalala ko kaya you were really careful when you're around me. I'd took every chance I get to be around you at school. Bumibisita rin ako sa bahay niyo...nilalaro si Cloud. Hindi ka agad pumasok at nagpahinga muna sa bahay.  I just regularly visited you after class.

"Can't believe one of my fantasies is springing into reality." You said while scribbling down on your paper. Buti na lang, Lelouch covered up for the days you were gone. He let you borrow his notes and list down all the needed work load to be done. Ginawan ka rin niya ng reviewer.

Hindi kita pinansin at patuloy lang nagbasa. May mga core subjects naman na pareho tayo kaya ako na mismo ang natuturo sayo.

"Clingy Troian. Sounds good together, huh?"

"Pwede ba, just focus on your derivatives." I rolled my eyes.

"Ang sungit mo! Lagi mo na lang akong tinatarayan." Then you went on blabbering about how I stuck with you for the past days but I just bombarded you with nagging. "Sky, skip training, you'll strain yourself. Sky, you shouldn't skip meals. Sky, do this...do that...no, not that."

"Are you mocking me?" I scowled. I am genuinely concerned with your well being, Sky. Because I was clueless of your situation, I was extra careful.

"No. Uy, you look scary." You pouted.

I hate it. I wanted to cry. I want to pull my hair out. I was frustrated.

I was pissed because I was the only one who made a big deal out of your week long disappearance. Your parents...they were okay with it. Ang mga kaibigan natin...tinuring iyon na parang hindi nangyari. Everyone around us is acting like everything is okay.

Including you.

"Finish solving that."

"You mad?"

"No. Finish that already para mapasa mo na sa lec mo."

And there was silence. It's not the comfortable and serene bliss I usually feel when I'm with you. It's cold and ironically loud. Maingay na katahimikan. Like it's stretching that thread between us.

Creating a huge gap.

"Sky..."

"Hmm?"

"Your nose is bleeding." I have tissue inside my bag kaya nagmadali akong kuhanin iyon.

"Shit, shit, shit." You tilted your head forward and pinched the bridge of your nose. You used the tissue to stop it from bleeding.

"Let's go to the clinic. You look pale." Your uniform got smeared with blood. Mayroon din sa notes mo.

Hindi ka naman nagreklamo nang hinila kita papunta doon. The school nurse was not even surprised when he saw you.

"Nosebleed again, Skandar." Umiling iling siya. Kumunot naman ang noo ko.

Gaano ka kadalas magkanose bleed? I made sure that I'm always with you during breaks.

I listened as the nurse treated you. Marami pa siyang binilin sayo na para bang lagi ka na lang nasa clinic at sawang sawa na siya sa pagmumukha mo.

"I'm fine." Iniwas mo sa akin ang mukha mo.

"Anemic ka ba?"

Your eyes widened for a second before you covered it up with your chuckle "I wish."

"I heard that."

"I'm not sure yet, Troian. Wala pa results ng tests ko." Pumikit ka ng mariin at humiga sa bed ng clinic. You put your right arm over your eyes to cover them.

"What test?" My heart hammered. Nararamdaman ko na naman ang luha sa gilid ng mga mata ko.

"Baby..."

"Stop it! Tell me already!" Mariin kong hinawakan ang kamay mo. "I want to know." Hindi na rin matigil ang paghikbi ko.

Madalas akong masaktan. Parang kakambal ko na nga ang kalungkutan. Kailan ba ako hinayaang maging masaya? Parang lagi namang panandalian lang. I was hurt for many things but at least I know why. Alam ko ang dahilan.

Pero ngayon, kahit hindi ko maintindihan, kahit wala akong alam. Nasasaktan pa rin ako. I don't wanna be spared from the hurt, Sky! Kaya ko naman.

Kahit masakit.

Kung para sayo.

Gusto ko lang malaman kung bakit ka nagkakaganiyan.

"Without realizing you took share of my solitude. Even without knowing, you feel hurt as you think of me."

"Yes! Because I'm in love with you!" I never thought that I would confess to you like this. My confession was laced with frustration and annoyance. But I meant every word anyway.

You answered me with silence. You turned your hands into fist. Mas lalo mong tinago ang mga mata mo. You bit your lower lip and I swear it bled.

"Damn it." You cursed more while avoiding my gaze.

But instead of finally telling me what's going on, you asked me a question that I know I won't be able to answer.

"Kaya mo bang magmahal ng taong alam mong mawawala rin sayo?"

Even though you were covering your eyes from me, I didn't miss the single tear that trickled down your face.

I'll remember

-T.A