I'll Remember

Thirtieth Week

I've read some romance books where one of the leads is terminally ill...or both. Minsan nga ay may mga rare diseases pa. Tapos for sure in the end may mamamatay. Kung wala mang mamamatay... open ended naman at hahayaan ang mga readers to freely interpret.

Apparently, many liked tragic endings with characters dying. Well, it's not everyday that you get to see a dying kid fall in love for the first time before life finally ends for him or her. A tear jerker. A good cry.

But as much as I liked reading these kind of things, for me death is not romantic.

There are a lot of works where death is deeply romanticized. For instance, soldiers were portrayed as gallant heroes who charge towards death while smiling. Some easily accepted that their lives are fated to be shortened. There are also characters in movies who wholeheartedly die just to save someone else.

How about showing their fear of dying? For sure, soldiers are brave and they vowed to give their lives for the cause to which they serve. But there would be inner battle. It would be ugly thoughts. Negative emotions. Some soldiers will be horrified at gunpoint. Some will regret being in the battlefield. Some would even opt to suicide than be killed by the hands of the enemy. Some would even escape.

Because in reality, not all people can easily accept death. Not everyone wants to die. Even the suicidal ones... I don't think they really want to end their lives. They just felt like they don't have a choice.

Death is terrifying and painful. And it's okay to fear it.

I realized that because of you, Sky.

You are so in love with life. You appreciate the good and the bad. You find colours of hope even in dark days.

You are that kind of person...or so I thought.

Because that day, when you cried your heart out to me, I realized I was wrong.

You are realistically human.

"I was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia when I was twelve."

We were sitting at the hood of the car near the cliff. It's almost sunset. The beautiful golden hour. You brought me to the ruins again. With my head leaning on your shoulder, you decided to speak after our silent moment.

You told me that once you start talking, hindi na ko pwedeng magsalita. I just have to listen to everything you'll say. And that I have to avoid your eyes.

"Basta nilagnat na lang ako. Then I fainted twice. Yun na pala yun." You gently squeezed my hand. "AML starts in the bone marrow and it usually can't be detected until it has spread to other organs."

"It didn't really bother me. I have cancer, so what? I just have to take medication and I'll get better."

Your shirt was already wet with my tears. I bit my lips to stifle my sobs. Patuloy kong hinahaplos ang kamay mo. I knew it was hard for you. Hearing those words coming from your mouth felt like blades stabbing me repeatedly in the chest.

But I can take the pain.

"But my mom, she was crying so hard. And she looks at me with pity like I was going to disappear at any moment. That's when I realized that I could actually die." You chuckled.

"At dahil may sakit ako, they treated me like a fragile china. They were willing to give me anything. It's funny because they were always strict with me and lenient with the twins. Si Dad before, he would ask questions first before agreeing with me...but when I asked him to buy me a turtle, he did! No questions asked even though I requested for it randomly."