I'll Remember

Sixth Week

Masakit maiwan.

If I'm going to compare, I think it's easier to leave than to be left behind.

When my Dad left us, kami ni Mommy yung patuloy na nasasaktan. Kami yung nawalan. Kami yung lubos na naapektuhan.

I think he didn't regret it. He looks free. Ganoon lang kadaling iwanan kami.

That's why I think leaving is easier. Leaving won't hurt as bad.

But why do I feel this way?

Ako ang umalis.

Pero bakit ako nasasaktan?

You are my best friend. The thought of being apart from you hurt my little heart.

I like spending time with you. You make me thrilled and happy. You painted colors to my childhood, Sky.

Ganoon ka talaga eh. You can make everything better.

But we needed to part.

We had to leave to be with my grand parents in Los Angeles. My Lolo's terminally ill. Si Lola lang ang kasama niya. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to you because I'm spending the rest of the summer at Giannis'. The next thing I know, we are flying to L.A.

I remember being excited. Sinabi mo sa akin na may ibibigay ka sa aking regalo sa start ng school.

"I'm sure it will make you smile!" You told me with your cheeky grin.

Too bad, hindi ko na nakita yung gift mo.

I also haven't smile in a while.

Everything just went downhill. My Lolo's health deteriorated. Lola was depressed. Si Mommy kailangang magpabalik balik umuwi sa Pilipinas dahil bumababa ang sales ng company and Uncle can't handle it alone.

And Daddy filed for annulment.

I felt like the world is slipping away from the grasp of my little hands. I'm trying to hold onto it. Pero nakakawala lahat.

Mommy was so broken. Sa tuwing nakikita ko siyang umiiyak, a part of me breaks too. Wala akong magawa. Hindi ko mapapawi ang kalungkutan niya.

When Lolo died, everything became worse. Mommy always cried herself to sleep. Umiinom siya ng sleeping pills and anti-depressants. Si Lola, laging tulala. Madali na rin siyang mairita at magalit.

I didn't know what to do. I was twelve. Pero pinilit kong intindihin lahat. They're going through so much pain. Hindi pwedeng dumagdag pa ko. I can't add to the problem. I don't want them to feel that I am a burden.

I don't want to be a burden.

I sang a lullaby when Mom couldn't sleep. I want to ease her pain. Lagi kong binabasahan si Lola ng favorite classic novels niya. I don't want her to feel lonely.

I tried so hard to do things on my own. Hindi nakapende sa kanila. You know what Sky, I enrolled myself at 7th grade. Ako nag-ayos lahat ng documents ko. Gusto ko nga ring mag part time job but Mommy won't allow me.

I couldn't cry. I couldn't grief. I couldn't mourn. I can't afford to be sad. I can't dwell on my pain. Kasi, I have to be strong for my family. Compared kay Mommy, I wasn't ruled by my emotions. Kaya kong maging matatag. Nasanay akong maging matatag.

Sabi mo sa akin, huwag kong itago ang nararamdaman ko. Being vulnerable is okay. Pwede akong umiyak kung nasasaktan ako. You wanted me to be honest of my emotions. You said pain demands to be felt.

But I can't. In times like this, I needed to be their strength. That's why I can't show any sign of weakness.

I always smile in front of them.

I'm always there to comfort them.

I know their pain. But no one knows mine.

Tough cookie ako eh.

Hindi ako naging matatag dahil gusto ko. I was strong and tough because I need to be.

I was a child. But I wasn't given a chance to be one. I understand though. I never complain about it.

Days turned to weeks and to months and then to years. Akala ko time was fast. Pero sobrang bagal ng bawat oras para sa akin. I was too numb from all the pain. I'm just counting the days. You can't hardly call my life worth living.

I spent my nights praying for better days. I spent my days numbering the dates on my calendar hoping for everything to end.

Everyday feels like a never ending cycle.

I'm losing myself.

Pagod na ako.

During my stay outside the country, I couldn't think of anyone aside from my family. I just want us to be well. Gagawin ko ang lahat para maging okay sila.

You didn't cross my mind for once.

Wala akong panahon para sa ibang mga bagay. Wala akong panahon para isipin ang mga naiwan sa Pilipinas. Wala akong panahon para isipin ka.

I have too much in my plate. I couldn't even tend myself. I'm too tired. I think I was barely living.

"Sky, do you know why the snow is white?" I asked you this after almost four years. I just came back. It was when you confronted and mocked me at a restaurant's garden.

You were clearly puzzled but you still look mad at me. You've changed a lot. Gone were the soft eyes that used to look at me with adoration. They're now arctic.

"It's because it has forgotten its original colour." Malamig din kitang tinignan at nilampasan.

The colour you painted me...I lost it, Sky.

I know you're mad at me for leaving without saying goodbye. You hated me for it. But I'm in too much pain to even remember you. Nakalimutan kita.

Pati ang sarili ko.

I'm sorry, Sky.

For the days gone by.

For leaving you behind.

For forgetting you in my mind.

I'm sorry, Sky.

-T.A