BMC and DEH Oneshots: South Park

Kurt Kelly Must Die

The Chili Con Carnival is in full swing. People have already arrived. Evan, Connor, Jeremy, and Michael walk up

Jared: He steps out of the ticket booth to greet them Oh, hello, guys! Thanks for coming to my Chili Con Carnival!

Connor: This is the dumbest thing you've ever done, Kleinman.

Jared: Smug Oh , it won't be so dumb when Kurt Kelly arrives. I suggest you stay to see the fireworks!

Jeremy: Oh, we will. Trust us. We won't miss this. He looks at Michael, who's smiling

Jared: What's so funny?

Evan: Oh nothing, it's just, cool how you're gonna get Kurt Kelly back. Is Radiohead here yet?

Jared: Not yet, but they will be.

Michael: Yeah, sure. Anyway, I made some chili to enter into the contest.

Jared: What contest?

Michael: This is a chili cook-off, isn't it?

Jared: Huh? Oh. Yeah, I guess it is. Uh, here, Mike, just put it over here... Sees Kurt Kurt Kelly!!! How are you, Kurt? Thanks so much for coming!

Kurt holds a small container of chili

Kurt: Oh, I wouldn't miss this for anything.

Jared: Overjoyed Likewise. Well, come on, you've got to see the pony!

Kurt: Just a second: don't you wanna taste my chili first?

Jared: Well, yeah, but, there's a special guest coming, and I want you to be near the pony when they arrive.

Kurt: Well I don't want it to get cold. I think I can win first prize.

Jared: Sighs silently Alright, Kurt, uh. Let's go over to the judging table and we'll try the chili first. Kurt leaves Damnit!

The judging table. Jared and Kurt take their seats

Kurt: Setting his plate before Jared Alright, I guess we should taste each other's chili, huh?

Jared: Inspecting the dish Huh, this chili looks pretty good. Weh, here's mine. He hands his plate to Kurt, who takes it to his end of the table and starts eating

Kurt: Mmm. Ah, I don't know. Your chili is pretty good, Jared, but I think mine is better. Try it.

Jared: Alright. He takes the dish and starts eating. Both boys munch away for a few moment Hey, this is great!

Evan and Jeremy stifle giggles. Michael and Connor fist bump

Kurt: Eh, it's a special recipe.

Jared: Begins to wolf down the food Oh, this is really good, Kurt!

Kurt: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have something to tell you.

Jared: What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili?

Everyone at Kurt's end of the table is shocked, even Kurt, at this accusation

Kurt: What?!

Jared: Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Kurt. I switched it with Michael's.

Michael looks like he's been used

Jared: It's delicious, Michael. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Evan and Connor, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. Evan and Connor are surprised I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area.

A flashback of Jared telling Denkins of such a thing. Denkins is armed

Jared: I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents.

A flashback of Kurt talking with his parents

Jared: And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents

The Kelly's are in the pen to rescue the "starving" pony, but upon seeing Mr. Kelly's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them, and they go down

Mr. Denkins: looks of horror surround him Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I, I have my rights.

Kurt: My... mom and dad are... dead?

A flashback of Officer Brady taking a report from Denkins

Jared: I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Brady. And of course, to steal the bodies...

A flashback of Jared arriving, seeing Denkins and Brady, and pulling the bodies away)

Jared: After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could tell you personally about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. There are more faces of horror behind him Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? A gleefully evil look comes over him I call it, "Mr. & Mrs. Kelly Chili."

Kurt: He looks at Jared for a while, realizing what's just happened Oh my God! He starts gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger. He tosses it away Oh my God!! He vomits off to the side

Jared: Leaps up on the table and sings Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! I made you eat your parents! Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah!

Connor, Evan, Jeremy, and Michael are way stunned

Jeremy: Jesus Christ, dude!

Kurt: Grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table My mom and dad are dead! Pounds the table No! NOOO!!

Radiohead arrives and stands behind Kurt

Thom: Uhm, excuse me?

Michael: Who are you?

Johnny: We're that band, Radiohead.

Kurt: Raises his head Jesus!

Ed: Jeez, what a li'l crybaby!

Colin: Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby??

Thom: You know, everyone has problems; it doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.

Ed: Come om, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. The members of the band start leaving

Thom: Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met.

Phil: Little crybaby!

Kurt: Gathers himself and looks No, wait! Waaiittt!! Oh my God, Oh my Gaawwwd!! He buries his face in the table and bawls again Noooo!

Jared: He walks over to Kurt's end of the table Yes! Yesss!! Oh, let me taste your tears, Kurt! He starts licking Kurt's tears off his face Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet.

Connor: ... Guys, I think it might be best for us to never piss Jared off again.

Evan: Good call.

Jared: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mmm, yummy. He licks the tears off the table and off Kurt's face Mm, yummy, you guys!