BMC and DEH Oneshots: South Park

North Korea is going to bomb us!

The students are gathered in the school auditorium  to listen to some performances. The Principal is on stage next to a piano and another mic

Principal: All right everyone, listen up. Today we're gonna have a performance by one of our students who has written a song. The song is about his feelings towards the current political climate with North Korea. Put your hands together for Evan Hansen.

The students applaud, the Principal exits stage left, and Evan approaches the piano from stage right with some sheet music. He sets up the music and gets ready to play. He plays some angry, jarring notes on the piano as he screams

Evan: Aaaahh!! Aah! Aaaahh! Aaah! We're all gonna die! They have nuclear missiles! Wah! Waaaahh! Why are you all just sitting there, doing nothing?! He stops playing and faces the audience We have to get out of here! North Korea wants to kill us all, and our President keeps making it worse! Walks to the front of the stage Why are you just sitting there?! He returns to the piano and resumes playing Why are you all acting like nothing's wrooong?! North Korea is going to bomb us! We are all dead! Jared and Alana glance at each other while Jenna records everything We have to do something! Do something! Do something! Screams, leaves the piano, and exits stage right

Principal: Returns to the stage All right. Next up we have Christine Canigula with her rendition of "I'd Rather Be Me." She enters from stage right looking back at Evan. PC Principal hands her the mic

Christine: ... So your best friend screwed you over... Acted nice when she not nice...

The school cafeteria, lunchtime. At a table are seated Connor, Jared, Jeremy, and Michael

Jeremy: Connor, you've gotta get Evan get a hold of himself. He's freaking everybody out at school.

Connor: What am I supposed to do?

Michael: He's your boyfriend.

Connor: He's not gonna listen to me. He never does when he's emotional.

Jared: Con, let me tell you about relationships, okay?  If you don't have some balls, you're not gonna get anywhere. Doesn't matter if they're gay balls, straight balls, or gay balls, or Bi balls. If you don't take control of your side of the relationship, you get walked all over-!

Lori: Approaching Hey babe, how are you doin'?

Jared: Suddenly disinterested  Oh hey baby, what's going on?

Lori:!We still on for dinner?

Jared: Yep, I'll be there.

Lori: 'Kay babe, love you. She walks away. The others are stunned at what just happened

Jeremy: I thought you said you broke up with Lori.

Jared: decided to give her one more chance.

Michael: But you said she was mentally abusive.

Jared: She is mentally abusive.

Connor: So then why did you take her back?

Jared: Because she said she was gonna kill herself, all right, guys? There. I broke up with her and she called me being all like "I can't live without you, I'm scared of what I'm gonna do to myself! Oh God." The girl is crazy. What am I supposed to do?

The school hallway, later. Evan is at his locker putting books away, but he's in panic mode. He slams the locker door and scares himself

Evan: AAAH!

Connor: Approaches Babe.

Evan: AAAH!

Connor: Baby, come on, you've gotta settle down.

Evan: I can't settle down! We're all gonna die!

Connor: Calmly We're not all gonna die, honey, you're overreacting. Everything's fine, okay?

Evan: Hears a tweet and pulls out his phone. Now frantic Oh God! The President tweeted that North Korea doesn't have the guts to attack us! Why would he say that?! He's making everything worse!

Connor: Ev-

Evan: But North Koreans are gonna think we all agree with the President!

Connor: Okay, so how about you write your Congressman a letter?

Evan: ...That won't help anything! North Korea wants us dead!

Connor: Okay, so write a letter to the North Koreans.

Evan: I can't write in Korean and they all think we're war-hungry anyway!

Connor: Okay, well why don't you just send something nice to the North Koreans?

Evan: Uuuugh!

Connor: It'll make you feel better, babe.

Evan: Send something, like what?!

Connor: I don't know, like... make some croissants or something?

Evan: I don't know how to make croissants!

Connor: Well, what do you know how to make?

Evan: Groans Cupcakes!

Connor: All right, go home and make some cupcakes, honey.

Evan: Okay. Turns and heads out