BMC and DEH Oneshots: South Park

Pandemic

Connor: My name is Connor Murphy. Last week was my thirteenth birthday. My Gramma gave me a check for a hundred dollars. I was sooo happy. But then, some guys from school came to my house and said I should use my hundred dollars to invest in becoming a Peruvian flute band. They promised I would double my money in one afternoon. But the government arrested us along with all the other Peruvian flute bands and took us to an internment camp in Miami. We begged to go home, but instead the government told us they were sending us to Peru. And so that is now why I'm in Peru. If I die, let it be known that it is because those bots, I don't even like, from school lied to me and took my birthday money which I may never see again.

He sits on a crate, writing in a notebook. The whole group is in a mountainous region of Peru

Jared: We didn't lie, Connor, it was a sweet idea!

Jake: Yeah. How are we supposed to know that pan flute bands would be outlawed?

Connor: ... Continues writing And let it be known, that they are dicks. Especially Jared Kleinman.

Later that same day, this happened!

Connor: Sir, I promise you, I'm not going to ruin your plans. Okay? I'll just walk away. See?

He walks onto a square with a pattern on it. The circle in the center of the pattern lights up and begins to rotate up and out. Two stone slabs jut out from the pillar. The golden idol's eyes light up. A beam of light goes from the idol's staff to one of the slabs, and two beams of lightning come out of Connor's eyes and strike the guinea pirate

Guinea Pirate: Dargh, no!

Connor: ... Okay, now there's sparks shooting out of my eyes.

Guinea Pirate: Argh, curse ye, Connor. Dar, argh.

The guinea pirate falls on its back and the beams turn off. The slabs go back into the pillar and the pillar rotates back into the ground. Jared, Jake, and Rich approach Connor, stunned at what just happened. Connor lets out a sigh of relief

Connor: My name is Connor Murphy. Last week I stopped a guinea pirate from taking over the earth. All the Peruvian flute bands were released, and drove the guinea creatures back to the Andes mountains. Many people had died, but mankind had prevailed. All over the world, survivors were found, living witnesses to the horror that had been seen. The guinea pirate lived, but was taken to prison to live out the rest of his days. And people all over the world learned to support their local Peruvian flute bands, and buy their CDs. For they protect us from the guinea creatures. As for me, I was returned home by Homeland Security. My parents were sooo happy. I realized that we don't always have control over what happens to us. We are but players on the stage of life. And I also learned to never listen when kids you don't like from your school come asking you for money.

Jared, Rich, And Jake are dressed as Mariachis and standing at Connor's front porch talking to him; he slams the door in their faces. They walk away all pissed off

Jared: That guy's an asshole!

Rich: Yeah, what a dick!