Shop class. The boys are busy on various projects. Jared stands on a stool operating a drill press as Jake, Connor, and Rich stand on the floor.
Jared: When I have your guys' twenty bucks, I'm gonna use it to buy the sweetest big-screen TV in the whole world.
Connor: That's more than ten bucks, you asshole!
Jared: Well, if I get twenty buck from each of you, that's like $2000!
Rich: ... What is up with your math?
After school. The students walk over to the parking lot
J.D.: Oh boy! Here we go!
Heather M.: Joins the group What's happening?
Jake: Jeremy's gonna fight Michael!
Heather M.: Oh, cool!
Jared: Stay pissed, Jeremy. Stay pissed.
The two groups meet
Rich: All right. Here we go.
Jared: Time for you to get proven wrong, short ass.
Rich: You're gonna be eating those words, asshole.
Jared: No I won't, because you'd eat 'em first, shorty.
Jeremy and Michael look at each other, but nothing happens
Connor: Well?
Jake: Come on!
Chloe: Yeah, if you're gonna do it, do it!
Michael: Turns to the crowd What do we do?
Jenna: Huh?
Connor: What do you mean, what do you do? You just fight each other.
Jeremy: How?
Jake: How??
Michael: I've never been in a fight before.
Jeremy: Me neither.
Crowd: Awwww.
Rich: Aw, dude, come on!! You just hit each other, smack each other around.
Jeremy slaps Michael, and Michael slaps Jeremy. No effect
Jared: Not like that!
Jeremy: Like what, then?
Connor: All right, all right, screw it! We have to postpone the fight 'til Jeremy and Michael can learn how to fight.
The crowd disperses
Jared: All that build-up for nothing.
Alana: Yeah. Christ, I could have been home by now!
Jake: All right. Jeremy, we'll teach you how to fight, and Rich and Connor, you teach Michael.
Jared: I don't think that's very fair: if we teach Jeremy, he's gonna really kill Micharl.
Connor: Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna have my cousin Zeke teach Michael boxing!
Jared: Ooooo! Boxing's scary, you guys! I'm gonna have Jeremy learn Martial Arts!
Rich: Fine! We'll see you back here tomorrow!
Jared/Jake: Fine!
Rich/Connor: Fine!
Michael/Jeremy: Fine.
The Gym, later
Zeke: Alrighty. Michael, my cousin, Connor, has asked me to teach you the fine points of boxing.
Michael: Yeah.
Zeke: You're in luck! Johnny here used to be the state champion until a grenade blew his arm off.
Johnny: I can still kick ass.
Zeke: Now, Mike- can I call you Mike? Boxing is a Man sport. There is nothing in the world more Man than boxing. It is Man at his most Man. So when you spar with Johnny here, just dig deep into that most Man part of you... Well, enough of the lectures. let's get to boxing.
Zeke rings the bell, and Johnny sends Michael to the ropes with one punch
Michael: Uugh!
Johnny: Whatcha got, bee-ahtch?
Michael gets up
Zeke: Keep your guard up, Michael!
Michael does so. Johnny punches him twice more, and he falls
Michael: Ow!
Rich: Damn it!
Connor: Come on, Michael! He's only got one arm!
Zeke: All right, looks like we'll have to apply the Oppenheimer technique with Michael here.
Michael gets up
Johnny: Whatcha got, bee-ahtch?
Zeke: Punch him in the balls, Michael!!
Michael lunges at Johnny and lands the punch
Johnny: AAAAaaaarrgh!
Zeke: Atta boy! Now quick, get him again while he's down!
Michael lands a barrage of punches
Johnny: Ow!
Rich: Now kick his balls!
Michael does so several times, and Johnny groans
Zeke: There, see? You've got him coughing up blood.
Rich/Connor: Yeah!
Michael: Whoo!
Zeke: Now THAT'S BOXING!
The Nishimura School of Martial Arts
Master: Your friend has brought you to learn the ancient art of sumo. You must learn discipline and respect.
Jake flips him off
Master: He flips Jake off In sumo, your body must be like a stone, and your mind like a meatloaf.
Jeremy: Meatloaf?
Master: The object is simply to push your opponent out of the circle. Is the opponent ready?
Jared: I'm ready! Comes out Hey, I like this hair thing. This is cool.
Master: Let us begin. Jared plants his feet Ready? And, begin!
Jared: Respect my authoritah! He and Jeremy engage in pushing each other
Master: Body like a stone! Mind like a meatloaf!
Jared: Turns around to back Jeremy out of the ring Come on! Come on!
Jeremy: Oh, Jesus! I can't take it! Stop!
Jake: Fight back! Resist the ass!
Jeremy: How can I resist an ass so great?!
Master: It is only an ass! You must overcome the ass with your mind!
Jeremy: This ass is unlike any I've encountered, Master!
Jared bumps him off the ring, he hits a wall, and he's out
Jared: I win!
Master: There is indeed great power in your ass, Jared. Perhaps you should consider sumo as your profession.
Jared: Hey, maybe.
YOU ARE READING
BMC and DEH Oneshots: South Park
RandomJust the characters from Be More Chill and Dear Evan Hansen in place of the South Park characters
