The Pain is all worth it.

Day #15

Are you doing the right thing?

Today, I have been reading and making some bible verses to be published on my page. I love editing and in need of God's words too. My soul needs His encouragement above all. I want to share His words. I want to share His love. Continuing my story, I was looking for bible verses and reading some when one of it made me feel like I was doing the wrong thing.

I am doing the wrong thing.

This thought has been bothering me. Everyday, I pray to the Lord. Everyday, I call unto Him. Everyday, I beg to Him.

But I am/was doing the wrong thing.

How?

I took a step back and read what I have been doing for the last few days. I read my posts. I read my messages to different people. I breath and took the quietness to myself.

There, I realised my fault. I haven't asked forgiveness for being a sinner. I think bad thoughts about others. I still get jealous when I shouldn't be. I was becoming a negative person despite being Christ-centred. Surrending my life to Him is more than just saying it. I realised how I should change my actions and thoughts. I should organise it.

Now, rethinking everything, I asked myself. I asked myself why I need His blessings.

Pleasure?
Leisure?
Selfushness?

YES. They were all checked on why I am in need. Because if I needed:

FOOD?
CLOTHES?
PAYMENT FOR TRANSPO?
MY DAUGHTER'S NEEDS?

I HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH.

Why should the Lord give me what I am asking, me, a sinner, a selfish creature. Why? What I am feeling now is that I don't want to receive it anymore as of the moment. I need to find my purpose for the money. I need to do it for the goodness not just of myself but of others. I need to do what is right. Nobody is perfect but that is not reason enough.

Blessed and rich are those who can give what they have in the earth. Their true riches lies in heaven. True realisation of why must one do good and be selfless.

I am slowly sinking to the bottom. Depression is real. It kills you alive. It kills your motivations. It makes you negative. But I believe God will heal me. My thoughts are His control. God will heal my depression. I am giving up. Not to my depression. But to the Lord. I am giving my life to Him.