The Pain is all worth it.

Day #40

The beauty in pain.

Have you ever had a very painful experience that made you wish you were dead? An experience so painful you couldn't think straight for days and couldn't imagine anything but dying.

I had.

Had because I survived.

But it was hell.

It was so hard and I had no idea what to do that time. All I could think of is to end my suffering by dying.

Everyday was a struggle. I would accept living in poor conditions than that pain.

It was the pain of losing someone you love because of a mistake.

I fell for another guy. I betrayed my husband and got carried away by temporary butterflies. But when my husband left me, the butterflies did too. It was hell. It was dark times. Life was unimaginable. I barely survived everyday. I know I was the one at fault. I know I am the one to blame. But blaming yourself was actually the worst. Blaming others would make you wish you can kill a person, blaming yourself, makes you wish the end of your life. It doesn't make sense living now that everyone is gone. That was what I was thinking.

I would beg everyday and ask forgiveness. I would beg his family and him. He accepted me but his family didn't. He was given a choice. Them or us. Us, his family, his daughter and wife. I know it was painful for him but I beg him to choose us. His sister would even support him to be able to work abroad. He asked me to keep quiet so he can raise our family from poverty. I was okay at first but I have my dignity. If we go back together secretly and his sister support him until he gets a job abroad, we will forever be in debt to her. I will have no sense of pride from her. So, I bravely announced our relationship. Of course they got mad. Eventually some of his family members accepted our decision but not his sister. I know it hurts him and maybe still does, I still hate her too. But a sister is a sister. I just couldn't believe how cold hearted she is.

Hate. Resentment. Anger. Insecurities.

We all feel this negativity. We all aren't perfect too to avoid feeling this way. Some of this feelings I still feel about his sister. But I am humbly asking the Lord. I am leaving these feelings to the Almighty One. One day, I'll be fine. I won't be hurt anymore by hearing their names. I'll leave them all to God.