The Pain is all worth it.

Day #9

It's an internal battle.

I realised that my body is not just heavy. I am not just selfish. I am not just a rule breaker.

I am awareness.

I came to see myself in the rule of the observer. I stopped myself from judging myself. Does that even make sense? What do I mean?

Previously, I do things without giving much thought about it. I just do it. Wether I know that if it's right or wrong, I let it be. It doesn't bother as much as it bother me now. And that's the difference.

HIGHER SELF AWARENESS.

I have become more aware of everything around me. I learned to just breath and think of nothingness. I am currently working on holding my emotions. Doing the opposite (not all the time) of what I would do.

My journey of the cycle of giving and receiving.

I checked my bank account and I have almost nothing. Or so I thought. I felt worried. I felt scared. What if I used up everything? What will I use to pay my tuition fees, to buy my food, for everyday life? I never realised that I have more than enough. I focused on grasping water. Hard and scary. All I can think about is how much is going to be left and how much I am losing.

I am a giver. I am a giver. I am a giver.

But have I been practicing that? No. I wasn't. I was scared of letting go and losing so much I became selfish. Normal. I guess it is part of being a human being. Realising it however, brings your self awareness to another level.

My cousin just gave birth yesterday. I don't know why but I am so thankful for the child. I feel like she's a gift not just to me but to my whole family. We weren't aware she was pregnant. We live in the same roof and we didn't even know. She didn't told us. She didn't even had any prenatal checkups.

Of course, she needed my help. She gave me her atm card in exchange of 2,000 pesos. I felt like she's changed. Normally, she wouldn't give anything in exchange. She said this friday, her salary will be up and I can take the 2,000 pesos from there. I will buy it clothes for the baby though. I want to surprise her.

A friend asked me help. Weeks ago. She borrowed 1,000 pesos from me. She promised to pay this week and called today and asked forgiveness. She can't pay it until the end of the month.

Another one, I promised a friend that I will lend her help. I promised a week ago and did it today. I realized I should help her. She needs it. How bad of me to not give her help. My conscience was calling me out.

Today, is the 7th birthday of my nephew. Her mom is that cousin who gave birth. Naturally, because they were poor, there is no celebration. I didn't even remembered it was his birthday until late afternoon. I decided to buy him a gift. Just a small one. My heart is in pain for him. It's a sad day. But when he saw my gift, his smile was priceless. He's just a little boy. I really feel sorry for him.

These things that I was doing, all I thought is just so I can recieve. When you give, you recieve. It's the law of the universe. I guess. But now, I feel like I already received my part of the bargain. Their happiness. Easing their worries. Making those people smile. I knew, somehow, it has lessen their baggage. No person in the world doesn't struggle. We all have our personal battle. And if you can somehow, help a person, why not?