Prisoner

Seventeen

Once they said it, they haven't stopped saying it. He loves Harry. He really does. Louis' never been the type to believe you can fall in love with someone in the time span of four months, but he has. He undoubtedly has.

He wonders if that makes it worse. If loving Harry as much as he does, is going to ruin him even more. He doesn't see how it couldn't. He's been thinking about it a lot and as much as he feels that he's grown and made progress mentally, he's not sure if he'll be able to deal with losing Harry as well as he would like to.

It's not an easy thing, is it? Losing someone you love. Someone you've barely spent anytime without. Someone who doesn't deserve to die, especially in the way Harry is. It's all just very overwhelming to think about.

It's all hit Louis like a train, really. It's all going to happen in the span of six months. That's a short amount of time to meet someone, fall in love, and have to deal with their death. He barely has anytime to prepare himself. If one even can prepare themselves for something like this.

Louis wonders if maybe he should've just kept his emotions out of it. If maybe he should've just stayed professional with Harry. Would that be better? Maybe Harry does need him in a nonprofessional way, but as blunt as it is, he's going to be gone soon anyway.

Louis thinks maybe it's selfish to be second guessing letting himself fall in love with Harry, he's only thinking about how it would be easier for him if he didn't and not at all how it affects Harry. He's human though, and humans are selfish.

He's not sure what he would do if there was a magic button that he could press for this to have never happened. He really loves Harry and he really enjoys having him in his life, but at what cost?

What good is it doing either of them to have this relationship. Yes, it's going to make the end of Harry's life better, but he'll be gone in two months and then what does it really matter to him?

In the end, Louis knows he wouldn't take it back, he knows that in his heart, being with Harry until the end, or rather his end, is what he cares about the most. He's okay with the collateral damage it will cause him as long as Harry's happy. 

———

"Life just, when you're young you see it as this huge thing, this thing that's so much greater than yourself. I mean—it is greater than you or me but we're so small you know?"

Harry nods, his head resting on Louis' lap this time, as Louis plays with his curls. "Yeah."

"It's just so crazy to me that we're so attached to ourselves and who we are, just for it to end. We let ourselves fall into this obsession of being 'Louis' or being 'Harry' or whatever your name is, but, for what?" Louis says, feeling like maybe philosophy is what he should be studying instead of social work.

"I've thought about that. Like how much of an impact can one person truly make? And what is the likeliness of you being someone who truly is remembered," Harry adds.

"Exactly. What is the point? It's just one giant cycle. The circle of life I suppose."

"It kinda makes me feel a little better. Like in fifty years, probably less, all of the bad stuff I've done will be forgotten."

"You haven't done a lot of bad stuff, Harry."

"I just mean how people get so stuck on the littlest things. Feel guilt over practically nothing, wasting the time that they do have, for those things to be forgotten in the end. To not have mattered."