Prisoner

Twenty three

As time continues to count itself down. As the days seem to get shorter and the horrible horrible feeling of unwanted anticipation creeps into Louis' mind and body, everything else seems to fall apart along with it.

His thoughts have become darker and his actions have become weaker. There's no motivation inside of him and all excitement to be alive has left.  Part of him wishes that he could just leave with Harry. That he could just forget everything and drift away.

But he can't. He has to stay and he has to keep living. Whatever that means. He promised Harry and his dad and he's not about to break his word even if it ends up being the hardest thing he'll ever do.

He wonders why this feels so much worse than he remembered losing his mom feeling. Maybe because he's older? Because he understands more and is able to truly feel the pain of it all?

Maybe it's because he's been through it before and he remembers the utter pain that he felt after. He's scared as hell to have to go through that again and he wouldn't wish this feeling on his worst enemy.

"Louis, maybe you should go see a therapist."

"Niall, I can't. I can't think about it let alone talk to a stranger about it. If I need therapy I'll talk to myself in the mirror."

Niall knew Louis was joking but the way the words came out made it seem the opposite. "Man, you can't let this mess you up. You have a lot going for you."

"I get it, okay? I don't think anyone who has told me to stay strong or whatever truly understands what that entails. How hard that really is."

Niall pauses their video game. "If you don't calm down, you're going to break my controller."

Louis looks down and realizes he was pushing the buttons a little too hard. "Sorry. I'm just really tired of hearing the same shit over and over."

"Yeah, I get it. I won't bring it up again. I'm here for you though, if you need it."

Louis slouches back in his couch. "Yeah I know. It just-it doesn't change anything you know. Like I don't mean or in an ungrateful way-"

"I know, it's all good, bud."

"Alright, then press play so I can finish kicking your ass," Louis says, sitting back up, a look of determination pinned on his face.

Niall just scoffs and resumes the game as told. It was obvious Louis was bottling things up but who could blame him? It wasn't something that was easy to talk about.

Louis tried his best to enjoy life. To not let the idea losing Harry suck him into a black hole of  sadness and despair but it was hard. It was really really hard. Resisting a black hole is like trying to resist breathing.

———

"Louis," his dad says. "I think maybe you should look into counseling. You know, like seeing one yourself."

Louis just stares ahead at the road that is in front of them as they drive to the prison. "Yeah dad, I don't know.  I don't think it would help."

"Why not?"

"Because I already know what they're going to say. I know how a therapist would deal with my situation. I am one."