Seth and I walked into the hotel room and set our stuff down. He laid on the bed and was silent. He's been this way ever since I'd told him what he did when he was drunk. Part of me wishes that I hadn't told him but he needed to know and I was angry and hurt so everything spilled out of me in that moment. But he's been beating himself up ever since. I didn't want him to. I wanted to just move past it. It could have been so much worse but it wasn't and that's what I wanted him to focus on. That's what I've chosen to do but apparently he was having a harder time with it. I mean, I guess I could take comfort in the fact that he really hated himself for hurting me. It showed me just how much he loved me. But at the same time, I just wanted my husband back. I wanted laughs. I wanted fun. I didn't want this. He'd pulled away from me a little bit. But thank god he didn't pull away from Gracie.
I sat down on the bed and grabbed his hand in mine. "Do you wanna go do something fun?" I asked him.
He didn't even look at me. "No. I'm okay." he said.
"Seth, come on." I said.
That got him to look at me. "What?" he asked. "Davina, I hurt you. And it wasn't just emotionally or mentally. I physically put my hands on you and I hurt you. I can't just move past that. Hurting you was the one thing I vowed never to do. Especially after everything you've been through. I can't just forget that." He got up and walked over to the window.
I sighed before getting up and walking over to him. I turned him around and he looked at me. "I love you." I said. "Do you hear me? I love you. And, yes, you hurt me. But I've been through worse. We have to move past this babe. It happened, we can't change it."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" he asked. He was beating himself up way more than he should be at this point.
I stepped back. "I guess not." I said. "Look, I'm gonna go and give you some pace. When you're ready to be my husband again, you just let me know." I grabbed my purse and headed for the door.
"Davina, wait." he said.
I turned around and looked at him. "Wait for what Seth? Wait for you to beat yourself up some more? What is that accomplishing? Who is that helping?" I asked.
"I'm sorry." he said.
I tossed my purse on the bed. "Yeah, you keep saying that." I said. I shook my head before I looked at him. "I can't sit here and watch you tear yourself apart. What you did, I forgave you already. I forgave you the moment we talked about it." I walked over to him. "Listen, I'm not scared of you. I'm not. I can't be. I love you too much to be afraid of you. I've been knocked on my ass so many times in my life. I've gotten the crap kicked out of me by my exes. I think you pinning me against the wall pales in comparison to that."
"This is different though." he said.
"Yeah. It is." I said. "But that's only because I never loved my exes the way I love you. You and Gracie are my life and I need you by my side. I need you in my life. And not like this. I need you the way you were before this. I need the man I married, the man I had a baby with. I need the man you were just last week. I will not stick around to watch you beat on yourself anymore."
He nodded. "I'm sorry baby." he said before pressing his lips to mine. He pulled me into him and held me close. "I love you. I love you so much. And I'm sorry. For everything."
I chuckled. "You've gotta stop saying you're sorry. You've said that a thousand time since that morning. I don't need to hear it anymore. I just need you to love me. The way only you can." I told him.
He smiled a little. I mean, it was a start, I guess. I knew he wasn't just gonna let it go. He was gonna hate himself for a little while probably and I knew I was gonna have to be patient to an extent but I wasn't gonna settle for the silent treatment or the distance between us. I wanted my husband. And as long as he made steps to get back to him, I would be more at ease.
