Outside

29

It became awkward after Van went home.
Every time I was out with Lois, and every time I sparked up a conversation with Larry, Van would be there, his blue eyes gazing at me. Just trying to get some sort of reaction from me.

He wouldn't say anything to me, he'd just sit there and butt into the conversations every so often, but never actually said anything to me, or anything I could even answer to, it was always about football, or how Bondy got a new vintage guitar last week.
It was never even a simple hello to me.

He was always purposely avoiding the conversation which he abruptly ended by storming out of my house without a goodbye all those days ago. It didn't feel like much time had passed since he pushed me from his hold and walked away from me, it felt more like yesterday that I was humiliated in my own home. He told me he just needed some rest, that he wasn't in the right mindset to have that sort of conversation, said his head was hurting and he needed to sleep off his hangover. He didn't even drink at the party, he never even had a hangover. He just didn't want me to get my hopes up again, because we both knew that they'd eventually be let down once more.

We're sat at the pub now, six of us squished into a small booth at the back corner, Larry on one side wagging his jaw in my ear about some footy match he beat Benji at. Lois on the other side, telling me about how boring it is when Bob isn't out with us all. I don't blame her for thinking it's boring, nobody is having actual conversations, it's like the room is just so dead and empty.

"Fuck me this is shit innit? Drinks anyone?" Larry pipes up, reading my mind and judging by the rapid nodding of Lois' head, and the small smile that spread across Van's face, he read their minds too.

"Yous got anywhere with that girl yet?" I ask Larry as he orders us some drinks, trying to make a conversation to fill the awkward silence, his head snaps in my direction and his eyes go wide for a second.

"How'd you know about her?" His voice breaks and I can't help but laugh at his sudden surprise.

"I told her didn't I in Asda when yous ignored us you rude git" Van's voice is loud, excitable as he buts into the conversation. It makes me jump for a second because he hasn't said anything for a while and I was starting to wonder if he would say anything at all until now.

"You twat, you know I don't like sharin' my girls with the world" the humour in Larry's voice outshines his defensive tone and he grins when he realises he got Van to y'all for the first time in about an hour.

He laughs a little in response and doesn't say anything else, just sits back in his seat and sips away slowly at his beer. It angers me to see him look so relaxed and unbothered by everything whilst I've been spending the past three days wondering why he can't just finally make up his mind.

"Yous ain't kept our relationship private though have yous?" Bondy says with a wink, making the group erupt in laughter, all except one.

"I'm goin' to the bathroom" I say quickly and stand up from my seat, making my way towards the exit for a smoke instead of going where I said I was going.

Luckily all of them are too caught up in a conversation about politics now- which none of them know anything about- to realise that I'd gone outside. Part of me hopes that Van follows me out and decides to actually talk to me instead of avoiding me. But part of me doesn't want that conversation with him, not tonight. Probably not ever, anymore.

The door closes behind me and I sit on the back step, clouded by the smoke that had been blown from another girl's mouth from beside me. It doesn't take long for her to finish her cigarette and go back inside, leaving me alone in the dark alley way with a fag in hand, a head ache forming, and stinging eyes. I hated how familiar the feeling the I got was when I lit up my cigarette and placed it between my lips.

The whole night had consisted of me just looking for an escape route, some kind of reason to go back home and forget everything that had happened over the past two months. Getting ignored by the one person I wanted to talk to, he didn't even make eye contact with me once, and it hurt my heart to see him acting so distant from me. I didn't know what it was that was bothering him so much. The look on his eyes was too hard to decipher, I couldn't tell whether it was guilt or regret. Guilt for hurting me, or regret for ever meeting me.

"Yous know how unsafe it is to be on your own round these ends don't you love?" I hear a voice from behind me, followed by the closing of the door. And my heart drops to my stomach when I realise who it is.

I see his boots before his face as he sits beside me on the wet step, lighting up a cigarette of his own.

"I can look after myself y'know" I reply dryly and look away from his gaze. Giving him the cold shoulder like he had to me all night.

Before I can say anything else, Van takes my hand in his and brings it to his lips, placing a gentle kiss on the top of my hand. "Feels like we only go backwards dunnit?" He said with a weak smile, my hand in his still lightly pressed against his lips.

I nod, blowing out the smoke I'd held in way too long, it was beginning to burn the back of my throat and I could hardly get out the words I wanted to get out, "yeah, it does" I finally agree with him.

"D'ya think we'd be alright us two? With me bein' away for ages? Yous think you'd be alright with that?" He asked after a long pause, stuttering a little, and I look at him intently, wondering what he meant by what he said. "I mean like, would you mind me not being around all the time?"

"Van I wouldn't be sat here havin' this conversation with yous if I ever had a problem with it would I" I let out a giggle, he sounded so unsure of himself, so nervous and confused.

"So you wanna give it a try then yeah?" He asks me with wide eyes and a hopeful smile.

"Yeah, I'd like that"