Outside

45

As I made my way home from work, I thought about the week previous, the day Larry came to see me, the day he told me that huge story of... him... not being himself anymore.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't care, because I did... and that was the problem, I shouldn't have cared for him anymore, he was out of my life and I was out of his, we weren't together anymore, we both had new lives, new people, new experiences. But that didn't stop me from feeling sorry for him, for the way Larry spoke about him as if he was completely broken and unfixable... but it wasn't fair for him to spring it on me like that, it had been two years, Van wasn't my business anymore.

Although I felt this way, I found myself wanting to call Larry, tell him that I'd come and see them soon, I'd even see Van if it meant he fixed his life back up. But I couldn't do that to myself and Rory, like I said... it wasn't fair on him, he didn't need to be brought into this.

I didn't know what to do, I didn't know whether to call someone from home, ask them what was going on, ask them what Van was doing and how he was. I shouldn't have been thinking about him, I'd gone two whole years without him even popping into my mind for a split second, I'd gone so long without his name coming up in a conversation. And now he was all I could think about, but it was wrong in so many ways, I had a boyfriend and I shouldn't have been worrying about another man, especially one I hadn't seen for so long.

When I arrived home I changed into some pyjama shorts and an oversized t shirt, took off my makeup and shoved my hair up into a ponytail before making my way into the office to finish off some work.

I had a lot to do, I'd been so distracted for the past week I hadn't done anything other than watch TV with Rory and teach my students, I hadn't finished my most recent article which was supposed to be done two days ago, I hadn't even checked my emails for days and I knew that my computer was going to be flooded with them when I opened it.

I managed to get a few things done in the time I had and afterwards I went downstairs to join Rory in the living room, I felt like I hardly spent time with him anymore as we'd both been so busy, I was mostly worrying and every time he's ask me if I wanted to do something I'd be too distracted by my thoughts to actually do it. I felt bad for him, I could only hope he hadn't noticed.

"Hey" I said quietly, sitting beside him and resting my head on his shoulder as he snaked his arm around mine.

"Hey sweetie... are you okay?" Rory asked, I always hated it when he called me that but it sounded cute in his accent so I let it slide every time, despite me cringing.

"Yeah... I'm sorry if I've been a little distant lately, I've just been bombarded with work" I lied, I didn't want to worry him by telling him what Larry had told me, he didn't need to know, he was better off not knowing.

"Don't apologise for that, I know how it feels love... you don't have anything to apologise for" he smiled, kissing the top of my head and going back to the movie he was watching.

I hated how oblivious to my lies he was, I knew that it should've been something I loved about him but it just wasn't, I wanted him to be able to see through me, I wanted him to ask me about it when I told him I was fine, especially when I clearly wasn't. I hated lying to him and of course I hardly ever actually did, but sometimes I had to so that he wouldn't worry, but sometimes I wanted him to worry. I just wanted someone to ask me if I was okay, see right through my "I'm fine" and tell me it's going to be okay. I hadn't experienced that in so long and I missed being so transparent to certain people, I missed being held and comforted when someone knew I wasn't okay after I told them I was.

Of course I loved Rory, he was lovely and he cared about me a lot, I just felt like sometimes he didn't care enough, sometimes he didn't really know what was going on and he was so obsessed with his own life and his own problems that it felt like mine didn't even exist to him.

"Lyla?" Rory said softly, almost like a whisper.

"Rory?" I replied, slightly scared of what he's about to say.

"Your parents called me this morning" he answered, and my heart sped up faster than ever, what did they want?

"Oh... why?" I asked, trying to stay calm.

"They want us round for dinner at christmas... and they want us to stay through to new year's day" he explained, sounding happy as ever about the news. I was fuming, my parents really called my boyfriend to politely ask if they could ruin my whole christmas and new years.

When they first met Rory, they absolutely adored him, in fact my mother actually said she'd rather have birthed him than me... which was the weirdest thing considering he's my boyfriend, it actually felt weird to kiss him that day, what she said didn't even offend me like it should have, it just made me cringe more than ever before. They called him all the time after that, came to visit us all the time, asked us to visit them all the time. Usually Rory would just see them without me but sometimes I'd join him just to let them know that I wasn't a complete bitch.

"But I wanted to spend christmas here... with you" I spoke quietly, not knowing if he even heard me.

"Lyla, they're your parents... you can't just say no to them" he said, his tone was laced with what sounded like annoyance, "come on, you never see them anymore and I don't really want to go on my own again"

"So you were planning on going even if I didn't go?" I asked, clearly mad about the whole thing, how could he do that to me? I told him everything about my parents, the way they treated me... and yet he still sucks up to them as if they're his own.

"Yeah! I'd never let your parents spend christmas alone... we went last year, whats different this year?" Rory asked just as I stood up to leave, angering me even more.

"The difference? Julia did nothing but make my life hell the last time we spend christmas there, she hates the sight of me Rory and I'm sick of being treated like I'm nothing by my own mum, I'm not going... you can go but I'm not" I spat and walked out of the room, went upstairs to calm myself down.

I hid myself in the office, locking the door behind my before sitting down on one of the couch chairs in front of the desk. I couldn't even count on my fingers anymore, the amount of times I'd done this, the amount of times I'd sat in the office and cried until I couldn't anymore.

I hated how many times Rory I argued. After the sixth month of being together, everything changed so much, he became a little more controlling and a little less loving. He became the kind of man I always vowed never to be with, I always told myself never to do anything a man tells you to do. I stuck to that until I met Rory.

I sometimes wished I never met him, sometimes I hated being in a relationship with someone I didn't even have anything in common with. When we met, he told me everything about his life, everything he'd done and places he'd been, we never actually talked about things we both liked, interests we shared. At the time though, I was all over the idea of being with him, I loved listening to him talk about himself because it took the attention away from me and my life, I didn't have to talk about myself whilst around him. But after a while it got boring, I realised he was more in love with himself than he was with me.

It felt as though Rory and I were falling apart, and the two of us were just forcing the relationship, we were just trying our very hardest to stay afloat because we were both so scared of being alone.