1 month later
Aniyah
I have ruminating thoughts very often.
Dwelling on the past it's like all this old shit is haunting me day by day and opening wounds that I worked long and hard to close. It's like I'm reading the same chapter over and over again tring to reframe from the situation. It isn't working at all which is toxic for my mind.
Im having a lot of sleepless nights. Nights where Im so worried about something that had happened in the past that I let it dictate my present and future in various ways.
I often hold myself accountable for all the stressful shit I've dealt with in my life. Cause I've been at the wrong place at the wrong time on more than one occasion.
It's mentally and emotionally exhausting. My misery doesn't love company which is why I try my best to distance myself from the world. I rather fight my own battles on my own than to have someone else fighting them for me.
Veronica came today and after insisting that she don't she came anyways. I just don't want my negative energy effecting everyone else.
"So how you holding up?" She asked as she twirled her noodles around her fork.
"ight" I lied.
Im not okay. I literally haven't smiled in days. I feel like me as a mother I need to get mentally well before my daughter comes. That's toxic to have her around my energy, but I also feel like her arrival will make every bit of this better.
"Don't lie to me" she put her fork down and stared at me.
"I'm not lying, I'm okay. I'm fine I swear" I replied.
One thing about Veronica is she knows me better than anyone in this world. Somehow she knows when I'm not mentally stable or just simply depressed. I try to hide it with a smile but somehow she still knows. She reads me.
"Can I be brutally honest with you?" She asked. I mean nothing can get more brutal than my mental health but have at it.
"I don't see why not" I shrugged as I picked around my food.
"I think you should go see a therapist" she said. I just looked up and stared at her.
"No, why would you say that?" I asked on the verge of crying. Maybe I'm just overthinking the things that a therapist is for.
"Me as your best friend I'm entitled to tell you these things, to better you. I don't want you being depressed all the time. It's not good for you neither the baby. You have to get mentally stable before she comes and somehow I feel like your not trying" she said.
"Out of all people you know me more than anybody. I don't know what to do! Do you think I wanna be sad and depressed everyday? No, I don't so don't even say I'm not trying"
My hormones are taking over every aspect of this conversation. I'm only 19, I'm still learning me. I'm still learning my body mentally, physically and emotionally. I have so much more shit to deal with throughout my whole entire life so this is only the beginning.
"Aniyah, it wasn't said like that. I'm trying to better you! My best friend. I want you to be good just like the rest of us and obviously you can't do that on your own!" She got loud.
