ANIYAH NINE-O-TWO AM
Two days has passed and the nights consisted of no sleep from either of us, but knowing that she was our priority now we made no problem out of it. Stepping out of the hot, long, desperately needed shower, coincidentally the showers after birth are more relaxing and soothing.
I dried every inch of my body and after doing so I put my undergarments on along with a Poise pad considering that Lochia, postpartum period, is going to be frequent for about 6 weeks. Putting on my Nike joggers I slipped on a black tank top. After wiping the mirror with a paper towel I did my simple hygiene and brushed out my hair.
Going out into the room Tj sat on the bed feeding Layla. Since we discovered that she's not latching on properly, getting an insufficient amount of milk, I just decided to move her to enfamil formula milk.
Sitting on the bed I grabbed the lotion from the bag and worked it into my skin that was noticeably ashy. Tj laid her body on his chest and her chin laid to rest on his shoulder as he started to burp her.
"Goodmorning stinkabutt" I touched her small hand as her almond shaped eyes just stared at me. Letting out a small burp along with a bit of milk, I took my finger and wiped the milk from her bottom lip.
Truth be told Tj and I barely held a conversation these past two days. Every exchange of words were generally concerning Layla. I definitely miss the deep heart felt conversation we'd have it's just that nothing is the same anymore and it shows.
"Dada love that baby" he held her lower back with one hand as his other supported her neck and head. She started smiling as she moved around and her smile, her smile looks exactly like my mommas.
It's like I'm seeing my momma through my daughter and it's making me emotional all over again. I just wish she had the chance to see her. The way she left this earth wasn't fair. She still had so much of the world to explore. I'm gonna fulfill my promise of being the best mother I can possibly be to Layla. Just as my mother was to me.
"You so pretty stink" I smiled as I felt the solitary tear creep down my face. I'm gonna have to see that smile until I can't anymore.
Until I can't anymore, dammit man.
Deaths gone come without a question or a doubt about it. Without a time or a exact reason on it. I can't imagine leaving my child on this earth.
These are the thoughts that triggers my anxiety and depression. I can recollect those thoughts with positive outcomes, but exactly how? That's what I have yet to figure out about my mind and physiological influences on the future. I just can't.
I made a promise to better my mental health but the triggers are just, there. Nobody knows that I'm fighting this anxiety and depression for my child. How can I do that when I'm simply overpowered and overwhelmed by the both of them. That's when past incidents hit me. It's like my depression keeps going deeper and deeper into the past. Pulling those strings that I'm trying my hardest to hold back. I'm to weak to fight these battles in my own.
When one thought starts, my mind goes into the depth of my emotions and just overrule my body.
Now I'm letting my daughter down. My mind is simply toxic and it's just messing with my physical life. My mental health is a whole different world.
