Depression Overcoming

Living Everyday, Because I Have to

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I no longer care about my health, or my happiness, or anything else. I don't even know why I'm still alive, here, breathing right now. I have no motivation to do anything anymore. The daily stress is killing me inside, and all the questions, all of the doubts, everything, it just makes me slowly slip into my old habits again.

Do you ever feel like you're losing your mind? Losing track of time and losing every single thing you've ever had? Like every single string inside of you broke. And it feels like being cracked open, hurts like hell, but you in the end of the day you feel numb.

Sometimes people do actually feel this way. Sometimes your life feels like it's caving in on you. Sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they want to just curl up in a ball and go into that place between life and death. Saying, "I don't want to exist" isn't saying "I want to go die.". It's saying, "I wish that, for the time being, I could go somewhere and not have to feel". I don't think there's anything wrong with that. And if you don't know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does.

I'm faithless and tired of living through peoples expectations. I can't be what they want me to be. I can't follow the system they want me to follow. And it feels like everything I do it's just another mistake.

And it breaks you, and it takes your sanity away, and it makes you feel smothered and out of your mind, running out of control. Everything I once thought I would be is falling apart. I can't take it anymore.

Depression isn't always that girl that's crying in the bathroom. Or the boy that is always wearing long sleeves. It isn't always suicide notes, and pill bottles. Sometimes, its all smiles. And good grades. Sometimes its the boy that is always helpful. And the girl that you always borrow things from. It's not always that easy to notice.

"Are you okay?" No. Every second is a second of losing grip. Do you know what it's like to burst into tears at any moment? To be surrounded by people and still feel so alone? To cry and scream when no one can hear you, to grip tightly onto your stomach and feel the pain take over? To have to count reasons to live, just so you don't give in. Do you? Do you know what it feels like to be so unsure and insecure all the time? To feel as though the one you love will give up on you just as easily as you've given up on yourself? To feel as though nothing or anything can make you feel better? Not anymore. To constantly battle yourself? To agonize in emotions, that choke your better thoughts? To look down on your arm everyday and see scars that forever will be there: scars that call for more? To be in a house that echoes with chaos and screams? To feel out of control of your feelings and thoughts? To think that death is your only peaceful serenity to this harsh life? To fear that you'll end up where you were once before, dancing with death because the pain got so bad. To hear over and over again that things will get better, when really, you've been hearing that all your damn life? So tell me, if you were me, would you be okay? "I'm fine."

I'm in a mess. And I don't believe I'll ever be okay again. Sorrow is the only thing I've got left. And I live everyday of my life just because I have to. Not because I want to. I'm just a waste of space on this planet.