Depression Overcoming

Happiness Ending

Hi guys, it's Grace.

So, I just thought I'd let you know something that just happened. Since I was 9, I've been depressed and rarely happy. But just today, 8-17-14 at 7:45pm, my mom told me at youth group that her and my dad might get a divorce. I was happy all summer, I've gotten rid of negative people, done things that make me happy, and have been so happy! I've never ever been this happy before! And now I just am having those thoughts again. I want to end. I don't want to be here anymore. I strongly believe in God, but now I'm not so sure. I'm losing my Faith. Why? I don't know. He's not even my bio dad, but he chose to have me as his daughter and adopt me. And to have that just go away, who's gonna care about me anymore? My mom's probably gonna smoke more than ever. My brother is only 5, what's he suppose learn from this? He needs to have two parents. Having one or the other at 5, no. I don't even know if I can handle it. I normally talk to people when I'm sad, but I haven't felt this sad or suicidal since my best friend died in 2012. I feel like I just got stabbed in the bad. I can't breathe. I'm choking on air trying to breathe, but I can't. I haven't stopped crying. I hate hearing "It's only for the best". Yeah, best for those two. Now my brother has to go back and forth and I have to chose where I want to go. If I had a choice, I'd run away. I want to. The reason I want to move far away is to achieve my dream and prove everyone in my stupid town and family that I AM worth something. Like they think I'm not. But with those two being alone, what am I suppose to do? But thinking about it just makes me want to move right now. Forever. And never come back. Tomorrow is the first day of school. I was so excited. Now, I know the kids that were at youth group tonight are just gonna come up to me and ask what happened. Just thinking about it will make me cry. I'm trying to be strong. I was normally good at that. I can't anymore. What if they actually divorce? I don't know if I can go through that right now. I was already abandoned by my biological dad. I had a best friend die. I've had to go through so many things most adults don't. And yet more and more shit gets thrown at me. When will it stop? I'm so tempted to self harm again. I'm not saying any of this for any sympathy or anything like that.

The point of this is, if you're going through the same thing or anything else, I'm not kidding, message me. I like talking to other people. I like being a therapist and honestly talking to other people is my own kind of therapy. You are worth something. I'm still confused about thinking I am worth something, but I know deep down I could be. Stay strong x