Depression Overcoming

Sadness Within

You see that girl? She looks so happy,  right? Telling jokes, smiling, having a great time. And... Dying inside. She's hurt. And tired. Tired of all the drama, tired of not being good enough, tired of life. But she doesn't want to look dramatic, weak and attention seeking. So she keeps it all inside. Acts like everything's perfect, but cries at night. So everybody things that she's the happiest person they know. That she has no problems and her life is perfect. If only they knew the truth...

Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy? But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be happy with myself. I worry that if I can't be happy with myself, then nobody will ever be happy with me, and that just makes me even more paranoid. It's a cycle, insecurity, unconfident, and difference, it's all a cycle. And it's destroying me.

Have you ever had someone say to you, "Depression is so underrated."? I mean, how could someone say that?! Do you have any idea what it's like to not want to get out of bed every morning, not wanting to go and deal with all the bullshit outside your bed? Do you even know what it feels like to feel completely alone while you know there are millions of miserable people just like you? How about what it's like to be completely repulsed by things you used to love? To feel completely lost in the dark and not really knowing if there's a way out? To not have the strength to feel like you can make it hough the whole day, let alone the next one, without breaking down? To not be able to explain how you feel at all? To have everyone constantly asking if you're okay until it gets to a point where no one asks, making you wonder if they don't notice or just don't care? To have no energy or drive to do anything? To feel completely worthless? To hate who you are and how you look? To feel like you have control over nothing? To know you don't belong? To feel trapped inside a world full of ugly things but being scared of what's on the other side? To be hurting constantly? To know there's no one to save you from the way you feel? To know the only one who's really hurting you, is yourself? Tell me, now, how is this underrated? Do you think I chose this?

I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice. I'm mad for apologizing for things I didn't do. I'm mad for getting attatched. I'm mad for thinking about you, but most of all I'm mad for not hating you, when I should.  And sometimes it hits me out of nowhere, all of a sudden, this overwhelming sadness rushes over me. And I'm discouraged and I get upset and I feel hopeless, sad, and hurt. And once again, I feel numb to the world.

I'm not doing good in school. The people I call friends, aren't friends. I'm constantly feeling alone. I'm starting to look at myself differently. And it's not in a good way. Nothing feels the same anymore. I feel like I'm going to fail at anything I try to do. I haven't even been eating that much. I feel like no one cares about me -- and they probably don't. No one really knows how unhappy I am, but again no one would care. I'd rather just fake a smile than explain to the world why I'm upset. It's like my feelings are numb towards my situation. And to think about it, I wouldn't even accept the change that I wish to happen because I know it would never work out anyways. And I just wanna sleep all day, and never, ever, wake up.

I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it. I will love you through that, as well. If you don't need the medication, I will love you still. There's nothing you can ever do to lose how much I will always care about you. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will STILL protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than the loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

121,000,000 people are affected with depression; it's increasing. Depression can be beating, believe it. Here's another story. "She felt like cutting her wrists open because of the people who betrayed her, she is known as the girl who lacks' emotions and is heartless but there was another side to her. Those whom she considered close to her betrayed her, it hurt her as she trust them with all her heart. The only people who can really get to her are the ones whom she trusted. She was confused and whenever she faced confusion that is when she became stressed. There was a point where this young lady was two steps away from the edge, she turned around and stopped herself from committing suicide. There was more to the world that she wanted to see, she believed that she will get better in time but she will just have to wait and have faith in herself. Those who belive in recover have a lot of respect for themselves, they know there is something up but they are willing to get help and hang in there no matter how hard things get. Depression can be a killer but that is only if you let it kill you, fighting is the way to go. The battle is not over. And that girl, is me." -Zeba Koli