Depression Overcoming

Remission

I used to feel like I was drowning. I used to feel like no one ever got me. There was a pain inside of me I couldn't ever explain to anyone.  This pain I felt, it just wouldn't go. It wasn't physical pain. It was mental. It was like I was drowning, but everyone else around me was still breathing. Still smiling. Still living, and not struggling. 

I remember what that was like, like I was nothing. I remember how I felt. How I dealt with things. How fucking hard it was fake that smile. How hard it was to tell my friends I just wasn't happy anymore. 

It was hard to smile.

It was hard to tell a joke. 

It was hard to be there for someone. 

It was hard to listen. 

I couldn't pay attention in school. 

I couldn't talk to my parents. 

I couldn't breathe....

I spent many nights staying awake. I couldn't sleep. Thinking kept me up. Thinking of how had my life became this way. Why couldn't I just... Wake up? Stop this pain... Stop this horrendous nightmare... Why couldn't it just stop? 

But you wouldn't believe what happened... Out of nowhere I just somehow... Saw the world differently. I kept reading quotes as I was going through the hard times. I never felt better. But one day, I read them again. And I was happy. I believed that soon my life would be better. I could, somehow on this earth I could enjoy life again. 

I got into photography. I had a knack for capturing moment people seem to miss. Seeing natures beauty changed my life. 

I took a trip to NYC. Before I went, I had wanted to move there and start my life. The trip did change that fact, but I will always remember how amazing that week was. The best week of my life. I got to see so many new things. Experience a whole new lifestyle that people lived in everyday. It was just life changing! It made me want to travel more. Thinking about going to new places just make me excited about my future. 

Soon everything began to feel different for me. 

I felt excited to go home and tell my mom how my day went. 

Seeing my little brother always put a smile on my face. 

Thinking about my future just made me stressed, but in a good way. Instead of thinking about dying... I thought about college. I thought about my future children. 

I later heard my friend say, I was in remission. 

I was in a dark, dark place in my life. And I found the light. I found what made me happy. I found purpose. I was finally living again. And I know that it will happen to you too!

Now, I have had some days where I relapsed. I thought about ending again. But I came across a quote, that really got me thinking. 

"You may have to fight the battle more than once before you win." 

Life is just going to suck. When the world screams for you to give up, you just have to whisper one more chance... 

Someone recently posted something on my story. I know you might wanna read this. 

A friend of mine recently told me to f*ck fate... I'm not sure how inspiring you will find this but here goes... Maybe you feel like you are fated to die. You just want to give in to those people who never seemed to love you anyway. Don't give up. Don't let your demons win. Death may be calling, but you can f*ck fate.People do care. It might not feel like that. It might feel like you are all alone. But I swear, people do care. Even those people who bullied you, or who never spoke to you, who avoided you, or who just never seemed to care, it would hurt them. Sometimes your parents don't seem to care. But they do, I promise. Just sometimes parents get a little lost.You don't need to be somebodies best friend to matter to them. And being a friend is overrated anyway. If they can't see that you have been through more than they could ever imagine, that's their loss. I promise you that some day, you will find someone who can look at you and say, wow, she's still going, that's pretty amazing... (I mean, I did that when I read this, but I don't really count, hey?)I just want you to know that it's okay to be in pain, but please keep going. And if you ever want somebody to speak to, I'm here.I'm proud of you for still fighting...Stay strong, stay beautiful, and f*ck fate. (written by the person this story is dedicated to)