i'm your a to z | jihancheol

indifference and impulsiveness

chapter 15

Seungcheol didn't even have time to be surprised at how nice he was the whole day. Rather than thinking about how he felt as if he was different around the two boys, especially Joshua, he wondered what the hell Minghao was doing in this area. He felt his ears and neck grow warm from anger until one of the boys held his hand.

Had the others not been here, he would've charged at the man who replaced his position.

"Calm down," Joshua said softly as he lightly squeezed his hand.

Calm down? Seungcheol never even knew what those words meant until he felt his breathing grow steady again. Soon, his ears weren't as hot and he was holding onto the other's hand.

He would've walked right back into the restaurant if stupid Junhui hadn't noticed them.

"Is that Hannie and Joshua?" he called and ran over.

"Junhui, no!" Jeonghan shouted but it was too late.

Junhui had run over to hug Jeonghan, directing Mingyu and Minghao's attention toward them.

Minghao looked over at Seungcheol and glanced down at his hands. He raised an eyebrow and Seungcheol could just sense the smirk under his mask.

Seungcheol quickly pulled his hand away from Joshua and glared at Minghao. He could've sworn he heard a laugh as he walked over, his boyfriend following behind. Junhui was still hugging Jeonghan from behind and Joshua only looked confused.

"Well, surprise to see you," Minghao said and stopped in front of Seungcheol. "You know Jeonghan and Jisoo?"

"What about it?"

"Just surprised..." He looked over at them. Jun and Jeonghan were talking while Mingyu and Joshua had nervous expressions on their faces. "Didn't think you'd be one to have friends."

"Shut the fuck up."

"Hey, could we not have a big fight right now?" Mingyu asked, already sensing it.

"Yeah, can you make up?" someone else asked.

"Can you stay out of it?" Seungcheol sighed. "Or something might happen to you."

He glanced over at Joshua and Jeonghan, the only ones he cared about at the moment.

"We're just talking." Minghao grinned at him. "Seems like you're worried about them."

"Don't do anything to them."

"Aww, does S.Coups actually care about someone for once?"

Seungcheol said nothing but only watched as Mingyu began to talk to the others. All he could hear was ringing in his ears. They all knew one wrong move could start an issue. Though usually, he'd love a fight, he really did want to start one in front of everyone else. He also didn't want his good mood ruined more than it already had been.

"Cat got your tongue?" The Chinese man chuckled and pulled his mask down. "So now the oh-so-fearful S.Coups doesn't want to speak."

He clenched his fists and pulled his hand away when one of the boys tried to calm him. He didn't care who it was; he didn't want to accidentally hurt them.

"I'm not surprised, seeing you didn't even try to defend yourself when your leader position was taken away from you. What do you care about?"

Minghao would've had his skull bashed in, had it not been Joshua holding Seungcheol's arms back. He was surprisingly strong but Seungcheol knew he could easily pull away. How he wanted to destroy Minghao.

Yet he stopped himself.

He watched as Mingyu scolded his boyfriend but he couldn't hear anything over the sound of his own blood rushing. The ringing in his ears was still there but more faint. Joshua never let go of his arms as Jeonghan tried to talk to him.

"Let's go home," was all that he could make out.

Seungcheol nodded at let himself be guided back to the car. He was put into the back seat, despite his protests, while Joshua sat in the driver's seat, Jeonghan next to him.

Seungcheol stayed silent until they reached his house. He ran out of the car and into the house. Before the others could follow, he let out a scream and kicked the wall.

Don't let him affect you, he tried to tell himself. Why are you so mad?

Seungcheol, a man who'd never been bothered by words, had suddenly lost his temper because of one question.

"Seungcheol?" Jeonghan put his hand on his shoulder, the last straw. "Are you okay?"

"Take a fucking guess!" he shouted and held Jeonghan's wrist, not bothering to worry if it was too tight.

A sharp intake of breath could be heard from the boy. Jeonghan pulled his hand away and rubbed his wrist. That was when Seungcheol realized.

He hurt him.

He wasn't sorry but he was mad.

Was he mad at Jeonghan for touching him or was he mad at himself?

"Cheol..." Joshua started.

"Shut the fuck up."

Seungcheol didn't bother to look at him before running up to his room, locking the door behind him. he picked Noire off the bed and held her close to his chest. He sat on the bed and closed his eyes.

"What did I do wrong?" he asked. "Why am I losing everyone?"

He finally understood why he stopped growing attached to people. Nothing ever lasted. Everyone left him. He knew it was always his fault and he had no right to feel bad yet his chest hurt. He was an asshole so he couldn't be sad, right? He was told his selfishness and need to always be right always drove people away. It was always either his indifference or his impulsiveness. He only then realized how right they were.

Maybe if he actually cared about anyone or anything, he'd still have them with him. Instead, he was an emotionless robot who masked everything with anger. He wanted so badly to care about anything. He couldn't bring himself to even try anymore.

Was that why Minghao's words made him so mad? Because he was right? Because he didn't have an answer to his question?

Sad how he was beginning to actually care about Joshua and Jeonghan until that happened.

"I don't need anyone," he began to repeat to himself.