Dear Diary , it's me Winona

What are you so afraid of Noni?

Dec.20, 2015

I think it's over. Our relationship is over and it's all my fault. My fault! How could I be so stupid? I let my anxiety take over and now I pushed away a man that I love more than anything else in this world. He's my everything. Without him my life means nothing. I am nothing without him.

Why did I do that? Why did I say "no". I wanted to say "yes", but my stupid fear didn't let me. I just wonder, what am I so afraid of? He loves me and I love him. It's that easy, and yet I doubt us. Am I really that pathetic?

It's all because of my previous relationships. None of them ever worked out. I wasn't really in love with my previous boyfriends (well except for Johnny which now I really do regret. If I could turn back time I would never get in a relationship with him). I don't want the same thing to happen to me and David.

I mean Johnny and I planned a lot of things together and look what happened. I ended up hating the man. I don't want to hate David. I love him too much to risk that. I love him more than words can describe. I was in love with Johnny, but with David the feeling is a hundred times stronger. We are like two puzzles that fit together perfectly. He touched my soul. I never had that feeling with anyone. It's like he was the missing part of me. It's like all the missing parts of my heart finally piece together.

David left about half an hour ago. I don't know if he was more mad or disappointed. He just made his way out without saying a word. Now I'm all alone in a dark empty apartment, laying in my bed and writing this to you. I can't help, but cry. Tomorrow I will wake up and he's not going to be lying next to me. I will not feel his touch on my skin. His big arms wrapped around my body which made me feel safe every time. It's all gone. All gone because of me. Winona Laura Horowitz you are such an idiot.

Sorry, I'm writing here and I didn't even explain really what happened. So let me do that. Trust me after you hear this story you will hate me too. Oh Dear Diary, I will never forgive myself.

***

- Hey Winona - Natalia came to the dressing room. She looked worried. - How are you?- she asked.

- I'm good and you sweetheart? - I answered. - you don't look too good- I observed.

- It's really nothing. I just have to deal with a little dilemma.

- Dilemma? - I looked at her.

- Yeah, it's about me and Charlie. - she sat next to me. - It's nothing bad, but let's just say that I'm a little bit anxious about this whole situation between us. I mean I like him. Like a lot. And he asked me out, but I don't want to rush into things too fast. I mean we just started working together and I don't know if getting in a relationship now would be a good idea. You know what I mean? I just don't want to take risk. What if it wouldn't work out? That wouldn't be good for us or the show. It would make things so awkward between us. You know?

- Oh honey, but if you don't take risk, later on you may regret it. What if you and Charlie could be something special? You'll never know it unless you try.

All the kids still had no clue that David and I are a thing. I just do t wanted them to talk about us. So giving an advice to Natalia about dating a coworker felt so awkward on my part.

- You really think so? - Natalia asked.

- Oh, Absofuckinglutely. - I laughed.