Dear Diary , it's me Winona

Fighting with Myself (Part 1)

Nov. 26th, 2015 

2:30 a.m.

Dear Diary, It's me Winona,

I know it's late, but I just can't sleep. It's all too much for me. I can't stop thinking about what Cara told me. "Just tell him" . Yeah, right. Easy for her to say since she's not the one with the problem. How do I just tell him? It's gonna change everything. Everything! If he feels the same way than great. I'm gonna be beyond happy. But what if he doesn't? What if he treats me just as a friend,who you can flirt with a little, but that's about it? Besides how do I even start? What would I even say?

Yeah, hey listen David. I know I told you during that movie night we had that I don't want to risk our friendship, but I changed my mind now cause I can't stop thinking about you and your goddamn ocean eyes and your smile and how you're the only person that knows how to make me laugh like crazy. And most of all I can't stop thinking about how all these things make me fall deeper and deeper  in love with you everyday.

Do you hear how ridicules this sounds? I can't tell him that. Besides why would he date me? I mean come on, I'm a mess just like my character Joyce on ST and I'm 4 years older than him. I know it's not a lot, but maybe for him it would be too much of a difference. He would rather date someone his age or younger. I heard somewhere that he used to date a girl who was few years younger than him. So, maybe I'm too old for him. You know guys usually look for girls who are young and attractive.

On top of this, he would most likely want to have kids. What if it's too late for me in the baby department? Wow, I can't believe I'm saying that. I'm getting a little ahead of myself. But yeah.He makes me think about these things. If I would ever settle down and have a family I would want to do it with him. I don't know why, but I feel like there is no other guy that would ever make me feel that way. Even with Johnny (as much as I was in love with him) I never felt the same as I do with David. Maybe because with Johnny I was young and to be honest I didn't know myself that much yet and I was still trying to figure everything out. With David it's different. I'm a grown woman who knows what she wants from life. The only problem is that he's my coworker, and I don't want to do anything that could affect our work. We are already signed up for 3 year contract so if something bad would happen between us, work would become hell.

Oh, Dear Diary what should I do? Should I just risk it all and tell him or should I just ignore these feelings and maybe they will go away? Man, It would be so much easier if I was 100% sure that he feels the same way. Today, we're going to be filming together so by the end of the day I will decide whether or not I should tell him about my feelings.  I'm gonna try to sleep now. I'll give you a report of what happened after I come back from work. Wish me luck.

3:32 a.m

Still not asleep. Just called Cara to ask her for more advice, but as usual she said the same thing.

- Hello?  - Cara's tired voice sounded on the other side of the phone.- Noni what are you doing up so late!? We have to be on set early tomorrow!.

- I can't sleep Cara. I just think about David all the time. I don't know if I should tell him or not. This feeling is killing me inside. What if he doesn't feel the same way? Cara, help me. - I started crying.

- Girl you gotta stop acting like a fucking kid and just get your ass up, go to David and tell him how you feel tomorrow. Ok? and if he doesn't feel the same way, SCREW HIM! His loss. 

- Thanks Cara. You always know what to say. I' m sorry for waking you up. Goodnight. - I said as I was wiping the tears off my face.

- Goodnight sweetheart - she yawned.

Cara was the kind of woman I always wanted to be. She was confident. She was never anxious like I am. I wish I was like that. Just not overthink anything. It would be great. 

6:48 a.m.

- Hey David. I need to talk to you about something.- I said as I walked into David's trailer.

- What is it Noni?  Are you ok? - David asked concerned.

- No, everything is fine. It's ... It's kind of personal.

- Personal? - he's ocean eyes looked at me.

- I've been meaning to tell you something for a long time now. I just didn't know how to say it. I was never able to find the right words or the right time. - I said as I was trying to control myself and not tear up.

- Ok, now you're scaring me- he said as he sat down on the couch - Just tell me what is it?

- Remember that time we met? - I asked as I made my way and sat next to him. This was harder than I thought.

- Yeah, I remember - he said with a little smirk on his face - How could I forget that?.

- Well, at that time I thought that you are the biggest jackass that I have ever met in my entire life.

-I don't blame you. I mean, I bumped your car and I pretended that I don't know who you were. I would hate myself for that too - he laughed.

- But than I met you again on set - I continued-  and everything changed. - I looked at him and grabbed his hand. - You became my best friend. Even more than that. I never would've thought that you're going to become so important to me. You know me better than anyone else in this world. You always know what to say, you make me feel safe whenever I'm with you. You're the only person who knows how to make me laugh. You're always there when I need you. - I started to cry a little.

- Noni, what are you trying to say- he said as he wiped a tear from my face. His touch gave me shivers. My heart was beating faster and I could feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins. Finally I said it.

- I'm in love with you David.- I stared right into his eyes. Those ocean blue eyes. There was no going back now. What have been said cannot be unsaid.

David stared at me for a few seconds. He didn't know what to say. I was scared. Scared that it's over. Scared that he doesn't feel the same way as I do. I lost him. I lost my best friend. - I thought to myself as the silence  filled the room. But than it happened. He leaned towards me and our lips met.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

I woke up disappointed.  It was all a dream. All a beautiful dream. As much as I wanted to go back to sleep and finish the dream up I had to get up and go to work.

Work. He's gonna  be there. I don't know what will happen. I don't know what I will do and how I will act. All I know is that I'm in love with him and one of those day I will have to tell him the truth. No matter how he will react. I just have to hope for the best. If not today than at least soon.