Things I Wanted To Say But Didn't

17

Axiety;

It holds me a hostage inside of my house..

Inside my head..

keeps me in my bed...

It gets to a point where I can be completely on my own in the little hole in the wall that I call my room.

It feels like even my bed judges me for feeling like nothing.

Mom said that I am an artist.

And that I can make nothing into something

So by being depressed you can very easily become the best lier in the world

Telling lie after lie

Digging yourself into a deeper hole with each passing day

They start to blend together

To the point that it almost becomes predictable.

Day after day ,living the same day

As you bacome a broken record of lies that begin with the fraise "I am fine"

Well no I am not fine

As the question of "how are you?"
"Are you okay?"

By feeling nothing it becomes easy to just say that your okay

And when that day comes to an end.

I stay awake for as long as I can.

I love my sleep

But it becomes a tedious task as my mind can only count reasons to stay awake instead of counting sheep

Waking up in the morning is even worse

As I begin the same day again.

I contemplate weather I should even bother getting up today

Then again I am already a bother to my family so why should they bother with my crap when all I have to do is get out of bed

So why is that so scary?

 It just feels like my bed sheets just won't let me go. Making me feel like I can't move.

Seeing the empty spaces in my bed

Reminding me that I am lonley

You see ,isolation is nothing short of just protecting yourself from the outside world.

Egnoring your friends and family.

Slowly distancing yourself from the world.

Hurting everyone els even if you don't mean it

You try to become the grey man
In the hopes that no one will see you

It gets to the point where even the simplest of tasks become tiring.

Loosing your ability to focus as the world becomes a singular colour..

...Grey

It feels like you are closed off from the world. It feels like they are here and you are there.

Even the kindest touches and well meant words.

Turn into static..

It's gotten to the point that even the stars that I out on my roof won't shine anymore.

As I've lost my ability to glow like I used to..

Axiety eats me up ... daily

Ut makes me not want to breathe

It makes me feel like I can't breathe

I try hiding under the sheets of my bed hiding myself from the world I am slowly suffocating myself...

With every breath it makes it harder to breathe.

Feeling like my chest is about to implode into an axiety attack or a panic attack.

I'll flail my body around in a panic as to try get the skin off the body that I hate so much...

Feeling nothing but pain in my head with no way to get it out...

I'll cut it out...  

Turning silver into red...

Feeling the relief that this painful addiction brings....

Making me feel something rather than nothing ...

As it is the best nothing that I've ever felt.