It Took The Death of Hope

Chapter 24 - Fear

A Couple of Days Later;

Des Moines, Iowa;

Ashlee Gray...

'You thought I would forget, But I remember 'Cause I remember, I remember, You thought I would forget, But I remember, 'Cause I remember, I remember, 'Cause it makes me that much stronger, Makes me work a little bit harder, It makes me that much wiser, So thanks for making me a fighter, Made me learn a little bit faster, Made my skin a little bit thicker, Makes me that much smarter, So thanks for making me a fighter,'

Corey's sound system was impressive - he had speakers wired all through the house. So here I am on my knees scrubbing the downstairs toilet while listening to some Christina. I am not what you would call a huge fan but there was something about this song that resonated with me. Maybe it was because of what I had been through, or maybe I just liked the funky beat either way - I was singing along to the lyrics.

Corey was with the band as they were arranging the details for the upcoming tour, which would be starting in about a month. I still had a few things that I needed done before then - most importantly my passport needed updating. I had all the papers ready; Corey was taking me into town tomorrow to get them filed.

I am excited about going on the road with Slipknot. I haven't done that in the longest time. When Paul was still here, I would visit and travel with them for a week here and there. I miss my brother.

There isn't a day that goes past where I don't think about him. Since the whole thing with Cole, I have been wondering how he would have reacted. I know that my brother would have killed to protect me, hell he would have laid his life down in a second if it had meant that I was safe. Corey had taken up that role to an extent. But the thing is - I don't see Corey as a brother figure. I have tried too but I just can't. I can't help but wonder if he still wants me. I know that I want him more than I have ever wanted anyone.

Would he laugh if I told him how I felt?

Sharing a bed with him while Charlie had been here had been more than torture. He had felt so close but so far at the same time. I didn't quite know how to deal with that. I barely slept that entire few days. My body had been acutely aware of just how close he was. And the few times that I had managed to succumb to sleep - I had woken up tucked safely into his embrace. Did he know what the hell he was doing to me? Sometimes I just feel like I am being completely consumed by him; my thoughts get stuck on a loop and I can't break free...more importantly I don't want to break free. And that scares the hell out of me.

So here I am in the downstairs toilet scrubbing away and listening for the doorbell as Corey had said he was expecting a delivery today. And as is the way just as I was scrubbing the bowl of the toilet the doorbell chimed followed by a thunderous hammering. It was so loud that I almost jumped clean out of my skin. Damn delivery people - I swear their training must include learning the ability to make it sound like they were trying to punch their way through doors.

Slipping the rubber gloves from my hands, I got up and made my way down the hall to the front door and peeled it open.

"Where the fuck is she?" the man on the other side of the door demanded.

"Excuse me?" I gripped the door in my hand, shielding part of my body behind it.

"Dylan...where the fuck is she?" he growled trying to see into the house - he was a good foot taller than me, at least, which was extremely intimidating.

"Dylan isn't here, she is in back home in LA..."

"Don't fucking lie to me little girl! I know she is here...and I want to see her right now!"