It Took The Death of Hope

Chapter 29 - Confession.

A Couple of Hours Later;

Ashlee Gray...

'It's all so messed up and no one ever listens, Everyone's deranged, I'm just so fucked up and, I'm never gonna change, I wanna lay it all to waste, They're always say this, say that, nothing that you want to, I don't wanna live that way (No!) Every chance they get they're always shoving me aside, It's never enough, no it's never enough, No matter what I say, It's never enough, no it's never enough, I'll never be what you want me to be, I'M DONE! In the end we're all just chalk lines on the concrete, Drawn only to be washed away, For the time that I've been given I am what I am, I'd rather hate you for everything you are, Than ever love you for something you are not, I'd rather you hate me for everything I am, Than have you love me for something that I can't!'

The music was blaring, so much so that I had successfully managed to drown out my own thoughts for the most part but at the same time I am still so angry, so upset, so sad, so scared. After what Corey had said; I had never wanted to be a burden but that is exactly what I was to him. Those were pretty much the words that had flown from his mouth.

How had I gotten it all so wrong?

Sid had been wrong. Only hours earlier, my friend had tried to tell me that the reason Corey was acting the way he was, was because he was in love with me. Oh God - what if Sid feels the same way about me as Corey clearly does? I mean he could just be placating me too. Right?

'It's never enough, it's never enough, No matter what I say, It's never enough, no it's never enough, No matter who I try to be, It's never enough, no it's never enough, No matter how I try to change, It's never enough, never, never enough, I'll never be what you want me to be!'

The 5 Finger Death Punch song resonated with me on a much deeper level than I had been prepared for. Somehow; I had worked myself into a terrible state - replaying the words Corey had muttered to me. The tears were flowing as the sobs distorted my body movements. Coming on the road, the guys has insisted that I travel on their bus with them, so they had moved the games console, DVD player and TV out to the front gathering area of the bus so that I could have the back area to sleep.

I feel like such a fool. I had become so caught up in our routine that I hadn't seen that he was basically pitying me.

"Ash!?" the sound of Sid yelling my name had me almost hit the roof. What the fuck is it with these men scaring the ever-loving crap out of me today?

"Jesus fucking Christ Sid!" I reached for my phone to turn the volume on the song down as it did the loop of repeat and began again from the beginning.

"What's going on?" he asked pulling over the door to give us some privacy.

"Why do you think that there is something wrong?"

"Uhm maybe due to the fact that you could probably hear this over the top of the show we just put on. Come on; talk to me beautiful," he urged, and I cringed, "what was that?"

"You don't have to call me that...out of some sort of..."

"Whoa calm down. What has happened?" give him his due, he didn't try to get me to turn off the stereo or try to turn it down any lower. All he did was gently grab my hand and led me to my already laid out bed and sat us both down facing one another.

So, for 5 minutes I explained what had happened with Corey right before they had gone on stage. I watched Sid's face contort with anger. It made me back away from him a little.

"Hey, no baby-girl. I am not angry with you. I would never do anything to hurt you...you do know that right?"

"Then why?"