Old, But Not That Old [Motough]

13. more [bethany]

I've been avoiding Derek all day. I do miss him, but I'm still upset and angry, no matter what he says, and I don't wanna cry before our show.

I stick to Mark like glue and I pray he isn't getting annoyed with me. He accidentally stops short in front of me and I bump into him as we walk across the dance floor to do our dress rehearsal run through.

"Oo sorry!" I say, covering my mouth with my hands.

He turns around with a laugh. "Its okay." Mark looks into my eyes. "Y'alright, Beth?"

I sigh. "Yeah..."

We sit down at our tables, as per the choreography of the dance, and Mark yells up to the balcony.

"Yo, Sadie! Derek?! You guys comin or what?"

Crap, I forgot Mark wanted to have Sadie and Derek in the start of this routine. It'll only be for a minute, but I feel my heart start beating as I hear them run down the staircase.

"Mark!" Sadie squeals, running and hugging him. I smile as I watch them reunite after the Louisiana weekend trip, but when Derek comes into my vison and I make momentary eye-contact with him, my eyes dart down to look at the menu that we are using as a prop.

"Hey, Beth," he says, calmly, as he sits across from me at the table.

"Hi," I say, not looking at him.

The song starts a second later, and Sadie and Derek leave. Mark and I finish our dance, and it feels great. He hugs me. "Great job, Beth. Just do it like that later."

"Okay," I say, smiling wide. I'm excited. When Mark and I walk back up to the balcony, all giggles, Derek catches my eye. My smile drops.

"Can I talk to you, Beth?"

I breathe deeply, unsure of what to say. Mark's hand is on my back, and he rubs me gently before pushing me slightly towards Derek. I look at him and he gives me a small reassuring nod. Oh gosh.

My eyes make their way back to Derek. I want so badly to forgive him, but I know that deep down it was more than just her kissing him.

Derek leads me to his dressing room, with his hand on my lower back, and my heart races thinking abut how this conversation will go.

We walk into his dressing room and he closes the door behind us.

It smells like Derek in here: like a smell that I can't explain but that instantly reminds me of him. It's the smell that makes me stomach flutter and I hope it doesn't affect what I have to say to him. Be strong, Beth.

I plop myself down on the couch as Derek paces in front of me. I wait for him to speak. Finally he turns to me, with one arm crossed across his chest, and the other resting on it, as he nervously plays with his lip.

His arms drop. "Beth, I'm sorry, okay? I don't know what else to say or... or do, I just don't want you to be mad at me anymore. Talk to me."

My throat gets dry. "Derek, I know what happened, but I also know what I heard."

Here goes nothing. "When you were kissing me and you.. wanted more, I turned you down. And then a little while later Cheryl is standing there in front of you in her... underclothing, or whatever, and part of you wanted it. Even if for just a split second, you wanted to get with her, otherwise you wouldn't have let her kiss you."

I watch as Derek takes in what I have to say. He shakes his head, laughing slightly. "Bethany, thats-"

"Derek." I cut him off. "Honestly..."

His eyes dart from mine to different things around the room as he sighs. "Okay, maybe... but it was the alcohol," he protests.

I am no longer angry at him, I am sad. Crushed. He basically just admitted that he wanted to get with Cheryl, no matter what the cause. I look at him compassionately, feeling sorry for myself. "No it wasn't Derek." I speak the words that I've been rehearsing in my head for days.

"Youre... a guy. Not a guy, youre a man. I know there are... things you want, and I can't give them to you." His eyes meet mine as he lowers himself into the chair he was standing in front of. I feel my eyes begin to well with tears. No, stop it, Beth. Your makeup is gonna run. "Its... incredible that you want some sort of... relationship with me, but I'm too young for you. And I know age doesn't matter, but you deserve someone who is.. experienced and not innocent and will give you what you want." I let out a deep breath that I didnt realize I was holding as Derek rolls his eyes and laughs quietly.

"Bethany," he moves onto the couch next to me and lifts a hand to my cheek. I feel a tear fall from my eye and look down, embarassed. Derek wipes it away and I look up at him without really thinking. "If you think you don't deserve to be with me because you think I want... sex and you don't want that," he laughs, shaking his head. My heart races even hearing him say the word 'sex', I am definitely too young for him. "Beth, I don't want that!"

I glare at him, with a slight smile. He rolls his eyes. "Okay fine, maybe I kinda do..." I laugh. Knew it.

"But if you don't want that, I dont care! And I don't want you to feel pressured to do anything because of me." I look into his eyes and he pauses. My heart races as he leans in and kisses my forehead. Derek looks into my eyes again before letting out a small laugh. "Listen, I may be old, but I'm not that old, okay."

I smile. "I don't need... sex or anything else you think I need because I'm a 'man'," Derek says, clearly quoting my previous rant. I feel my cheeks blush. He grabs my hand in his. "I just want you."

"Are you sure?" I ask. My voice is small, and despite everything Derek is saying, I can't shake the feeling that I'm not good enough for him.

"Yes! Beth, I'm telling you... maybe for a split second my inner man saw an opportunity for something physical with Cheryl, and the alcohol in my system only made it worse, but I'd choose you and your adorable weirdness and incredibly giant heart and beautiful personality over sex any day."

I laugh and scrunch my eyebrows. "Well I'm glad..."

"Good," he says. I give him a small smile. The smile on his face drops. "You still have something on your mind.. what is it?"

Biting my lip, I grin. Of course he could tell. "I dont know, I just.. I felt like I wasn't... good enough for you, and it felt horrible," I admit.

"Oh, Beth..." he says, compassionately, in nearly a whisper. He leans in and kisses me gently. "You're more incredible than you realize."

A knock on the door ruins the peace of our moment. "Yo, guys, we need you!" It's Mark. Derek lets out a laugh and stands from the couch. "Coming!" he yells back.

Before I stand up, he leans down and kisses me one more time. "Let's go."

I stand up and he grabs my hand as we leave his dressing room.