Living With The Pain

⚠️Testing The Waters⚠️

  Travis and I sat in my room with the door cracked. The two of us going over practice math problems. Dad and Sal casually poking their head in to check on us while coming up with the lame excuse of asking is if we need anything. Or if we're hungry. Or if we want anything to drink.

The answer would always be no.

  "So, since we finished with the practice problems. Do you think you'll be able to do your homework now?" I asked. "I think so," Travis picked up his pencil and began doing his homework. I couldn't help but watch how focused he got...and how frustrated he got when he'd mess up and have to erase and start over. He looked up at me and smiled slightly, "WhAt are you looking at, Fisher?" "I'm looking at how many times you mess up," I smiled a little and wacked Travis lightly with one of my pillows before doing my own homework.

~~~

  "I'm done now. Can you check?" Travis asked as I finished up the last problem on my math homework. I took the paper from his hands and I checked it with mine. I could see Travis glance at me every few seconds to try and make out my facial expressions. I frowned,"I thought we were making progress...but every answer on your paper is wrong."

  Travis groaned loudly,"I'm never gonna get it." I looked up at Travis and tried to contain my laughter. He looked so defeated. I swear I've never seen this man put so much effort into something educational. I started laughing. "What? What's so funny?" But I couldn't answer his question, I could only keep laughing.

  Travis picked up both of our papers,"Wait, these answers are the exact same!" I started laughing so hard I started snorting, then I covered my mouth to quiet my laughter. Travis laughed with me and gave my paper back to me,"Jerk. I really thought I got all the answers wrong!" I uncovered my mouth,"G-Gotcha!"

  Our laughing died down and I got up to go put my stuff in my backpack. I knelt down on the floor and put my stuff in my backpack and I stood up and turned around...to see Travis standing right in front of me. I jumped slightly,"Travis! I-" He leaned into me and I put my finger up and he ended up kissing my finger.

  "Travis. What did you think you were doing?" Travis looked at me,"I-I I'm sorry. I-I thought-" I sighed,"Listen Travis. You're in a confused stage right now. This,"I motioned between the two of us with my finger,"can't be anything more than friends. Ok?" Travis nodded and put his bag on. "Hey, I really hope this doesn't mess up our friendship," I said quietly. Travis smiled at me,"It won't. See you tomorrow, Scar." With that he was gone.

   I shut my door and locked it, sliding down to the floor against the door. I pulled my knees up towards my chest and hugged them, I began to cry quietly.

Why am I like this?

  I crawled over to my bed and reached under a pillow to reveal a knife I kept hidden under there. I took a deep breath and held the knife steadily.

Hasn't been the first time and sure won't be the last.

I began to do my work.

One cut for being so stupid.

Cut two for being so hideous that I hate looking at myself.

Cut three for hurting Larry.

Cut four for potentially hurting and messing up my friendship with Travis.

Finally, cut five for doing this and hurting Sal and everyone around me when they find out.

I threw a hoodie over my head, hid the knife in my hoodie pocket, unlocked my room door, opened it and ran to the bathroom. I shut the bathroom door and locked it, immediately starting to clean off the knife and try and stop myself from bleeding.

I regret it.

Every.

Single.

Time.

Yet I still do it.

  Once I was done I walked back to my room and shut the door, hiding the knife securely back under my pillow and changing into pajamas before laying down. I sighed and closed my eyes, hoping that I don't have another nightmare before I became a victim of sleep.

I still do it because it feels like a relief...