Days go by and i still havent opened my mouth to a soul. Confused is not the word. Scared is not the word. I cant even put into words what im feeling. This shit is beyond me im trying to keep it cool so nobody wont suspect a thing.
The tension between me and jeremy is so bad its like trying to chew some tough steak. I dont know what to say what to do. I literally run past the man any time hes in mh presence. I know whag you thinking how tf do you avoid him and yall live together. I dont know how i did it but i did it.
Im trying hard to bot think about stuff too hard so i been engaging in all normal activities. We had this lil finese scheme and Nani had just made some money and she wanted to take me and malaysia shopping so we went to Oak Field Mall and went shopping. We had so much fun together doing absolutely nothing so we had the best time at that mall. We took pictures, laughed, went out to eat just had the best day. I didnt have a worry about being pregnant. No thought of jeremy everything was just perfect. We got home and i was beyond tired. I went in my room and layed down.
I awoke later that night and just stared at the wall. No tears no emotion just blankly stared. How can this really be me. Even as fucked up things is with Jeremy I dont want this to set him back. I dont want him to be stuck with me i really feel the best thing for us both os for me to get an abortion. How to telk him is the problem. I dont know how he will react and feel. Hes not heartless maybe he wants the baby. Right now i just cant deal with that. I called the only person wh ok could help me get an abortion Domo. I know she won't tell anyone i know i can trust her. Me and her had a long talk about this. She told me shell make me an apointment and we will go fron there.
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Walking through the doors its freezing cold. Maybe its not the clinic but i feel real cold. As i sit here feeling out this paperwork my heart is racing my mind is wandering. Im looking around im not the only young girl here its about 5 other girls here. 2 out of the five look like theyve been here before and is used to this. 2 others look just as nervous as me and then i felt less out of place. The last one you can see it all in her face she was forced there and shed rather not be there. I felt for her. But i couldnt feel too sorry for her cause i was in fact hurting myself.
They called me back to the exam room. They had me undress and checked my vagina. Everything was cool. They gave me an ultrasound. When i saw my little creation on the sonogram screen i wanted to rethink the whole thing. It really made my heart melt but i knew i couldnt back out. She prints out the ultrasound and hands it to me i sit staring at it. At this point thier prepping for the procedure. Im laying on the table and i just get up and im screaming i couldnt do it i was spazzing out. I dont know what happened but i just couldnt . Im just screaming and crying they went and got Domo. She came in and held me she told me i dont have to do this. I told her i dont want to i have to. The doctor suggested i do the pill aborrion instead. We say the phrase "A hard pill to swallow" way too loosely cause that small pill felt like the biggest pill ive ever swallowed. They gave me a second pill that i had to take with 48 hours. I was ready to go. When ibgot home i got in my bed and just cried myself to sleep. The next day i stayed in bed the entire day. Sleep on and off. The whole day passed me by. The day after i woke up and dreading taking that pill. I went in the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror barely recognizing myself. Pill in hand tears in my eyes i popped the pill in my mouth swallowing it quickly. The tears instantly came running down my face i took myself back to my bed i couldnt deal i just couldnt. I finally fell asleep after crying forever. I was awoken by the most excruciating pain they warned me when it starts to go to the bathroom . After being on the toilet for about 30 minutes the cramps slowed down i looked in the toilet and my baby was literally right there. My heart broke into many pieces. I sat there about another hour just staring. What the fuck have i done. I know my reasonings but why. That sight really fucked me up. Im not religious i don't even attend church but i said a prayer. I needed god to hear me i needed him to heal me i needed him to hear me i hoped he wouldlet my baby into heaven. I took a deep breathe and I finally flushed. I told myself what done is done. About 2 days later Malaysia wanted me to come over to MuMu moms house to chill and i knew i had to put my big girl panties and hold my head high like nothing happened. That was so tough. Sitting pretending i didn't just go through the most traumatic day. I wandered what was Jeremy doing so i checked his facebook he was posted bbn up with ole girl that broke me more because im in pain and hes bood up. No it wasnt his fault he didnt know but still. I didnt want to intervene in his life. Me being me im a over thinker i make stuff worse by over processing and i worry about the negative instead of the possibe what ifs and thats why i kept what happend to myself. Id rather struggle with xoping by myself nobody else needed to be brought into my problems. I didnt wanna feel like an attention seeker. Because of this i started getting drunk heavy. It helped numb the pain. I became a statistic in the flesh. Broken . Thats what i was. I needed something to fix me
YOU ARE READING
Dear Jeremy
Genel KurguA story of a young girl who falls head over heels for a boy shes loved since she was a child. She soon learns all that glitters aint gold And the heartbreak from this would soon leave her cold. What will she do? Who could she run to ?
