Our Love is God

I'm a monster

(Viewer discretion is advised)

(Flashback because idk)

Alastors POV:
I punched the wall with all the force I had. I punched and punched until my knuckles stung and bled. It had been three days since I killed Mary. Three days since I turned against the one person who I ever loved, and the one person who ever loved me. I felt my warm blood drip off my fingers as my hand continued to bleed. Good. The pain felt good. You destroyed the only thing keeping you sane... Monster... How could you? Beast. Murderer. She loved you!! Psychopath... The voices spun round and round me head making my vision cloudy. Even when I was young all I had wanted to do was fit in. Is that what made me this? Did the rejection from my peers turn me into what I am today? No. I chose this. But why? I had always wondered, what if I had told Mary what I am? What if she knew what I had become? Would she have turned away from me? Left me? I already knew that the second I became dangerous she became scared. I knew this problem dwelled deep within me, yet I couldn't seem to let it go. After all, I was only a man with small amounts of light to guide me in life. I should be taking some sort of stand to escape what's inside me. A monster. That's it. I've turned into a monster. It only kept getting stronger. 

I punched the wall once more, leaving a bright red stain on the wall. "I NEVER WANTED ANY OF THIS!" I screamed at nothing in particular. But you did, a voice in my mind whispered, You started killing. You're nothing. You'll never be anything except that scared little boy from all those years ago. Nothing except a scared, useless, stupid, ugly monster. You know what to do. Take it and do it you coward! That's what I need to do. 

I got up and walked into my room and grabbed a pocketknife. I sharpened it every day. Mary never knew about it. I didn't want her to. I rolled up my sleeve and placed the cool blade of the knife against my scarred wrist. I knew exactly what Mary would say if she saw me, or had known at all. 'Oh Alastor,' she would say, disappointment in her voice, 'Why? You don't have to do this. This won't help.' My eyes filled with tears as I thought about her and what I had done. She never deserved any of that. She never did anything to warrant what I did to her. I slid the blade across the length of my wrist. Large tears dripped from my face, but not from the pain of the blade slicing into my skin. It was from the memory of Mary. The crimson blood dripped from my wrist onto the floor, creating a small puddle. I switched the knife to my other hand and gave the same treatment to my other arm. 

I laughed manically at myself. Here I was, Alastor, sobbing over a kill. My vision blurred as I looked at my crimson red hands and watched the blood drip down. I never cut deep enough to kill me, only to make me go dizzy. But this time I cut deeper than normal. I felt like I was going to pass out. The room spun as I started to fall into unconsciousness from the blood loss. "I'm so sorry Mary," I whispered before collapsing into a motionless heap. 

I awoke with a start. I remembered that afternoon. I hadn't died from that, but it had been the first time I had actually passed out from it. I hate to admit it, but it hadn't been the last time I did that. Lucky for me, the scars had gone away when I arrived in Hell. Unfortunately, I now had new ones, both from fights and self-created. I raised my wrist to my face and counted. One, two, three, four... I kept counting until I couldn't tell whether I had counted the scars or if I hadn't. I looked at Mary, who was sleeping peacefully beside me. I was with her now and that was all that mattered to me. How long could I keep this lie up? I didn't know. As long as I could. I laid back down and wrapped my arm around her, seeking comfort. She made a small noise, and I instantly felt safer. I kissed her head and eventually fell asleep, right next to her. 

A/N: In absolutely no way do I think self-harm is okay. I have three friends who turn to it, and I have before too. It sucks and it is so hard to get out of. Take care of yourself and talk to somebody anytime you are thinking of doing something like that. You do matter. Also, thank y'all so much for over 800 reads! This chapter was based off the song Monster by Imagine Dragons. Again, check out Flyte-_ and DogsEyeNebula and their stories! Peace out my little demons!