Love of My Life

Lie

Love of my life, you've hurt me

You've broken my heart and now you leave me

Love of my life, can't you see?

Bring it back, bring it back

Don't take it away from me, because you don't know

What it means to me

---Love of My Life, Queen

I can't see the crowd in Kyocera Dome while I'm singing. My eyes welled up and my vision is blurred because my tears are in danger of spilling over. I've been fighting very hard, but I couldn't stop the tears from cascading down my cheeks. My fingers were shaking as it touches the keys of the piano.  I used to love singing this song with its hauntingly beautiful melody and lyrics. After V, this song had completely taken a new meaning for me.  Every lyric and every note was piercing my chest.

I'm with thousands of people, but I feel all alone in this stage. No one knows what the tears are for and that my heart is breaking into pieces.

After the concert, the staff congratulated me on an emotionally iconic performance.

I wish it was a performance. I wish I didn't sit with V in that fashion show. I wish I said no to him when he asked me to eat sushi with him. I wish I didn't say yes to Maldives. I wish I didn't fool myself in thinking that an international superstar like him isn't an international player. I wish . . . I wish.

Nowadays, the days seem blurry and overlapping each other. I'm going through the motion of things not remembering what I did the day before. I did what everyone around me asked me to do during the day, but I'm so numbed from the pain that nothing gives me pleasure anymore. From the outside, I looked put together that I surprise myself all the time.

I found myself waking in the middle of most nights, unable to breathe and physically aching. Some nights are worse than others. I would curl up in my bed like a ball and just sob myself to sleep. Sometimes I would hear a knock on the door from Lisa. I would then cry quietly, but I never open the door. I know it bothers them that I haven't opened up . . . I don't want to open up.

Maybe it would be easier if I share these anguish and pain with them, but I'm not ready. I can't share something I myself have not understood.

I don't know how I survived my solo performance in music bank the next day after I left V's apartment. I was an emotional wreck. I cried my heart out that night that there were no tears left to cry the next day. I didn't tell V that I will be performing my first solo track that day.

That's another story that's sad and true
I can feel the pain, can you?
You have to be one to let me down and colour me blue
Hate to see you with someone new
I'll put a curse on her and you
Ain't no looking back you're dead and gone
My love is gone too
All my love is gone

-Gone by Rose

I wanted to surprise him. But, I was the one that got surprised. I saw V in the show briefly. I caught a glimpse of him on my way to the stage. He was sitting in the waiting room with Joy from Red Velvet. He was smiling at her while she was giggling from something he said. It's nice to see that he had moved on from his boredom.  The funny part is that even when he is the biggest arrogant jerk and no matter how much I want to curse and forget him, I still miss him.