When I wake up the next day, I'm in my getting-over-it mood.
I text Heidi so she can let me know when she and her hippie-goth friends are going to parties out of town, and to see if she can score me some drugs. I ask for cocaine, and ketamine, and we arrange for it to be delivered that night.
Also, I go out to the store during the afternoon to get some vodka and whisky, and I stop by a coffee shop to get several strains of weed and some rolling paper.
After that I go back home and start by having a glass of whisky and smoking a joint.
I order a pizza because if I don't eat I won't be able to withstand all the toxic substances that I'm putting into my body.
Here I am, the old Kelly's back. I don't know why I thought I could be better, that I could have something better. I've always been shit, that's the truth.
Martina texts me so we can have dinner at Marcus', obviously I'm not going.
I get what she's doing, she's about to leave and wants to spend as much time as possible with her friends. But I'm a selfish bitch, so I tell her I'm gonna be studying for finals all week. I don't want to come up with different excuses each time they ask me out. It's not a lie anyway, I need to study. But I also want to forget about Peter and I can't keep meeting up with them.
I text Júlia explaining why I'm gonna be a little more absent because of finals. I don't want anyone bothering me for the next few days.
That night Heidi drops by and delivers my package, and I go out with her and her friends. Hardin's not coming, he's probably with the rest of the guys at Marcus'. Anyway, it doesn't matter to me because there's so much booze and drugs in my system.
***
I wake up at the end of the afternoon and I can barely remember anything that happened last night.
I need to study before going out again, or I won't pass the exams. I put a little less than half a gram of cocaine on the table and split it into lines with a card, then I snort them to focus. And it works. It always works.
I'm focused on my studies and eating chinese food that I ordered when I get a call from Hardin.
"Hey," I say.
"Hey, wanna go out tonight?"
"Yeah, sure. I was just wondering where I should go tonight. Where do you want to go?"
"We're going with Heidi and a few others to a party. She told me you went out with them last night."
"I did. It was fun, you should have come."
"I would prefer it if you didn't go out with them without me."
"What? You can't be serious."
"Kelly, they're not your friends, and I don't want anything to happen to you. If I'm there, I can protect you."
"Hardin, this isn't even like you. Trust me, I can look after myself. You weren't the one who put me out of line. I've been like this for years. Back in Portugal, I went out with a lot of weird people who weren't my friends."
"I'll pick you up at midnight." He simply ignored what I said.
"Fine. See you later."
***
Hardin and I went out that day and the following five days. We went through a marathon of partying, and I haven't done this in a while. It's like being at a festival.
I have a lot of fun and forget all about Peter for a while. Basically, for the first couple of nights we go out with Heidi and the hippie-goths, and for four other nights it's just the two of us in Groningen. We chose a different bar each night and a different group of strangers to join. We left the bars in the morning and still go to a few after parties with people we don't know.
During these days, I just go home to shower, sleep, and study. I sleep about 3 to 4 hours a day because I need the time I'm not partying to study. It's easy, because the amphetamines and the cocaine keep me up and full of energy.
Some guys try to hook up with me, especially as soon as they see I'm not with Hardin, but I turn them all down. At this point in my life, I don't want to be with anyone, I just want to forget that I exist, which is uncommon for me. Seems like I lost my sex drive. Peter made me allergic to men.
One great thing about my friendship with Hardin is that he never asks questions about how I am or how the latest drama in my life is going, and so I don't have to think about those things or suffer because of them. I can distract myself without pitying looks, or shitty advice that don't change a thing.
Meanwhile, with all the partying, I didn't take care of all the things I have to do to return to Portugal next semester. But that isn't necessary after all because Martina calls me saying that Peter's going back to the States, which means I can stay here. The Netherlands is too small for the both of us, and he knows that.
When I hang up, I once again realize that Peter's a liar, and he's always been one. He's said that he'd be back, that he loved me, but not only is he not back but he's leaving for good.
How is it possible that I'm actually sad to know he's leaving? I should be relieved! I was almost touched when he said he loved me.
Peter's just a fake. So much drama and he didn't even fight for me a bit. I have to get rid of all these feelings. I want to stop feeling. How is possible that after all he's done I feel so bad about him leaving me?
Deep down, I had this ridiculous hope that he actually loved me. I should know that I wasn't born to be loved.
How the hell did I get myself into this mess, that's what I'd like to know. I've always been independent and I've always been a heartbreaker, not the other way around. I don't know how to deal with this.
Oh well, good news is that Martina also told me Peter wasn't going to Paris either, and so I can go. Both my exams went well and I will party hard in France. Hardin and I will make the best out of the parties over there, that's for sure.
YOU ARE READING
Good at Games, Bad at Love (18+)
Romance"Can I give you a hug?" Is it possible to want and not want something at the same time? "Please?" he insists and I nod. He approaches me and my breathing becomes irregular, our bodies are too close. He doesn't hug me. Instead, his hands touch mine...
