I'm at his desk studying, or trying to, when Peter enters the room. He approaches me and kisses me gently.
"How was it with your mom?"
"We're fine. I mean, she understands I'm upset about all of this. But I'm not giving up on you. So things are kind of weird between us."
His mother is everything to him. The affection with which he always spoke about his mother was something I have never seen or experienced. This cannot happen because of me. Just can't, I won't let.
He's very lucky for his mother. Very lucky to have someone who cares so much about him. He deserves to be happy.
"Your mom's right."
"Please, don't start with this. Why can't we ever be okay?"
Peter sits on the bed sighing and I can see the anguish on his face. I get up and sit next to him. Eye to eye.
"We're okay. And we'll keep being okay. I'm just saying your mom's right. You're worth a lot more than this. You're a wonderful guy and don't deserve a girl who's out all night doing drugs while you're waiting for her with a romantic dinner. You don't deserve someone who takes drugs every time she gets into a fight with you. You don't deserve to find your girl snorting cocaine. This is very unfair to you."
"But you're going to rehab and get better, you said it yourself."
"Yes, but it won't be easy. I'm likely to relapse. You're gonna be dragged into this cycle of shit that is my life, because my life's always gonna be like this as long as I don't love myself. Because I don't love myself. I have no self-respect. I never have." I feel the tears streaming down my face.
"But I love you for the both of us." Peter holds my hand and starts crying as well.
"That's not how it works." I look away and wipe my tears.
"You need me to give you strength."
"No, that's the thing Peter, I need to have my own strength. Because if one day you're not there, and that can happen for several reasons, I'll get weak again. And that can't happen. The first step for me to be cured is to have my own strength. To be able to do that without the help of drugs, or you."
"But I'll be there to support you."
"You don't understand. You want to be there for me, you want to be present, but deep down you don't understand. Only someone who goes through this can really understand."
"So I'm no good because I'm not a junkie?"
"What I'm trying to propose to you is..." he interrupts me and gets up with his back facing me.
"That we break up."
"No. It's not quite that." I get up and step close to him. "We take a break. I need that time. I've been researching rehab facilities in Edinburgh. I'm going there, to my father's place, and start over by myself. I'll stay there for a while, go to therapy, and when I'm feeling better, I'll come to you."
"I'm coming with you to Edinburgh." He turns towards me.
"You're not leaving your mom and your sister. She'd die of a broken heart and would hate me even more. You're going to LA, get a job, get your own place, and live your life as you normally would."
Peter sacrificed himself for me, and now it's my turn to sacrifice myself for him. He and his mother will be fine without me. I will no longer be selfish and I will let him go. Because I love him.
"We're gonna have a long distance relationship, is that what you're suggesting? For who knows how long? Until you think you're good enough for me?"
"We'll make the most of the time we have left and just be together."
"And then you're leaving me? That's the most stupid plan I've ever heard."
"Peter..."
"Yes, it's stupid! Why the hell do you and my mom think you can decide what's best for me? I'm twenty-one, I'm an adult, I can make my own decisions. I know what's best for me."
"What about what's best for me? To go to a place where I'm not welcome, letting a mother and son who love each other turn their backs on each other? How do you think that makes me feel? Even more shit than I already feel." Peter looks surprised by what I'm saying.
He paces around the room, shaking his hair. Then he finally says, "Okay. I'll go along with this, even though I don't agree with it. Because I trust us and I know we're gonna be together."
I smile, tears still streaming down my face, and then I hug him. He hugs me back, and I can feel him breathing in with his head on mine. "I'll miss you so much, Kelly. Your smell, your touch...This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life."
YOU ARE READING
Good at Games, Bad at Love (18+)
Romance"Can I give you a hug?" Is it possible to want and not want something at the same time? "Please?" he insists and I nod. He approaches me and my breathing becomes irregular, our bodies are too close. He doesn't hug me. Instead, his hands touch mine...
