When Angels Sin

36. Mourning

Alina

Alina stood behind the deep burgundy curtains, looking absently towards the courtyard below. Her chest tightened with an unpleasant mixture of dread and guilt as she recalled what Mikal had said before he left for battle.

You asked for it... His words still rang within her mind.

Was it true? Was it really her fault? Before their final confrontation, Alina had believed that Mikal was entirely at fault, luring her to come to his room and almost raping her. But after what he said to her, she now doubted herself to the core.

You wanted this... His cold condemning stare still haunted her.

She had indeed wanted him ever since the first time she saw him. She had indeed never stopped watching him and admiring his every move and every breath. She had indeed sneaked out to his room after midnight, dressed in a thin nightgown... Her heart churned with dread as she realized that perhaps he was right after all. Perhaps she had unknowingly been encouraging him all this time, leading him on to approach her and... She tensed and shut her eyes in horror as she remembered how he attacked her that night. He was drunk indeed. But he had hurt her. He had beaten her and assaulted her, even when she asked him to stop. She was the victim. Yet...

She was about to lose her mind as she spent the past two moons since he left for battle, thinking over and over of what had happened between them. One moment she would think he was a manipulative liar who took advantage of her. And the next moment she would think that he was right and that she was the one to blame. Her head hurt so much, going on in circles again and again. It was so exhausting, to keep thinking over and over without ever knowing the truth, without ever being assured or put at ease. And it was so burdensome, to keep living with such a heavy weight of self-doubt. She tried to tell herself that it didn't matter, that he was not here anyway, only to realize that because he wasn't here it only hurt worse.

Alina's heart thumped as she caught Julian coming out of the stable, and she forgot about Mikal for the moment. She watched Julian longingly, and tears rose within her eyes. She still did not know why she stood here every day, looking towards the stable in hopes of catching a glimpse of Julian. He had hurt her too, as terribly as Mikal had. He had coldly told her that he did not care for her. She should hate him for that. But she could not. And it drove her mad that she still cared for him even after he had abandoned her.

Alina left her room and went to look for Lucian, the only one she could consider a friend now, after everyone else had either left or hurt her. He was the only one who had not changed, still hopping cheerfully about the castle, rambling nonstop in his high-pitched voice and giggling like a carefree child. Alina had always hated him being so noisy, but now she loved nothing more than his company.

She stood before Lucian's door, certain she would find him inside his room, although it was quite late in the morning. He had been sleeping in a lot lately, often missing his military training that was taken over by Sir Sigurd until Mikal returned. But Alina could not blame Lucian for skipping his lessons. She had heard that Lucian was not good at swordplay to begin with, and Sir Sigurd teaching him was not going to make him any better anyway.

Alina had barely opened the door, and her eyes widened agape at what she saw. Daria was sitting in bed with her full exposed breasts facing her, dressed in nothing but a black velvet choker with a ruby pendant and dangling black chains around her neck. And Lucian sat behind her, completely naked as well, wrapping his arms around her body. They both looked up at Alina, the horror in their eyes mirroring her own. Daria quickly rose off the bed covering her breasts with her small hands, and Lucian instantly pulled the covers up to his waist.

Alina was too appalled to utter a word. Lucian too, apparently mortified, kept sinking further beneath the covers in shame, until the covers reached his nose. Daria who was fully dressed by now stood meekly next to the bed.