Enigmatic ✔

20|Finding Me

Stella

My whole life has been about my parents, and what they want-how they want me to act, what they want me to do, why they want me to do it, where they think I should do it.

It's all them. Especially what I should wear. Since I've been discharged from the hospital, I've been trying to find myself.

Although I do like my dresses, is that my only style? Should I be proud of what they made me into? Or should I be scared..scared that I may never be true to myself. I fear it may already be too late.

"What are you thinking about?" Hudson's voice drags me out of my thoughts.

"How I have now disobeyed my parents for the millionth time" I tell him. I haven't told him about being confused about my true nature, I just didn't want to disrupt the positive air around us. I wanted to be happy even if it's just for a couple hours.

"There's no point thinking about it Stella, it'll just upset you" He says.

Hudson stands before me with my back pressed against the door. His breath fans my cheeks as he presses the palm of his hand beside my head. He leans in then stops, opening his mouth then closing it.

He's teasing me. I capture his lips with mine, his time they're cold. I aim to change that.

Hudson's breaks the kiss and I feel his teeth dig into my bottom lip? Why is something that is suppose to hurt feel so good.

I'm above a river now. Hudson's finds my neck again, and the sound is suddendly back.

Somehow, I'm now on the bed. "No red marks, Hudson" I tell him.

"No promises, Stella" He says. I feel his hands all over my body and don't mind it one bit. Even I thought I would be acting weird about this but not at all, Hudson makes me feel extremely comfortable and worry free, it takes me away from the problems in my life right now, i.e, it takes me away from my parents.

Hudson removes his lips from my neck and goes to my downstairs and on instinct I close my legs.

"Relax Stella, I'm not going to fuck you" He says.

My eyes widen. "Hudson!" I scold him.

"What? You have a problem with when I swear? Does it turn you on, tell me how wet it makes you Stella" He continues, why every word fastens the waterfall?, I haven't a clue.

"Let me see" He says. His tone is instructive yet soft, Hudson does something to me I fear no other person can do or will ever be able to. I slowly open my legs, I trust him enough.

He kisses me again and I feel something cold slip into me. His finger.

"I love how your body responds to me, Stella" He says, I'm too busy making sounds at the pace his index finger is moving. Not long after, he pulls it out, rubbing my womanhood and then effect is instant, everything that has to do with sex is still weird but according to this weird feels absolutely good.

"Hudson" I say in between breaths. Jesus. I can feel my body shaking without my consent. Why did this have to have such effect on me? He removes his hand tracing it back up to my stomach, kissing me.

His phone rings, but he doesn't answer, he's too busy staring at me.

"Are you okay?" He asks when we're both laying down, clothed.

"In which department?" I stare at the ceiling.

"All of them" He replies.

"I'm okay" I tell him and he looks at me, obviously knowing I was lying.

"I'm uh-" I begin telling the truth but I'm interrupted by a knock on the door.

Hudson looks at me as if telling me he'd be right back but I should be getting home now so I follow him down the stairs.

"Hudson" I stop him at the bottom of the stairs. "I need to get home"

"But we haven't finished talking.."

"Another time" I tell him.

"Stella, hey, what's wrong?, you seem really sad today.."

He finally noticed. I thought I had been doing a great job at hiding it.

"Nothing" I say but the tears forming in my eyes are in contrast to my word.

"Just give me five minutes, okay?" He asks and I nod. Trying to breathe out so the tears don't come down too hard.

Hudson finally opens the door and in walks a female and a male.

"What are you guys doing here?" Hudson speaks.

"We came to visit you dickhead, we barely see you these days, plus I thought we were going to that party tonight"

"I forgot about that" Hudson says. "But for sure, I'll be there, need to get out of this house anyway"

It seems like Hudson is going to be occupied right now, so I'll be leaving.

"Hudson, I have to go" I voice.

"I'll call you" He tells me. But he doesn't let me exist the house without pulling me in for a hug. "Get home safe" He says.

I nod before walking out of the house ignoring the fact that the female was now gripping onto his arm.

When I got home, I felt alone. I always didn't mind being alone until now, I was really starting to feel it. I thought I would always have my parents but it doesn't seem that way. Rose is gone and Hudson has his other friends dealing with. Now I just felt like a problem in everyone's life.

I'm on the floor, sobbing, when I hear the phone vibrate. It's Hudson, I don't answer. I don't want him to hear me crying, I really just want to be alone with my thoughts right now.

But the vibration just continues, it's starting to give me a headache, so I just shut the phone off and then I moved to my books to try studying. My father walks into the room whilst I'm doing this. I hope my eyes aren't red. I don't want him to know I've been crying.

"Stella" He says closing the door behind him.

"Yes father?" I look up from my notebook.

"Your mother and I. We have noticed a change in your attitude and we need to know what is happening with you"

I realized a long time ago that people will think whatever they want to, no matter the amount of time you explain something different to them, you can't change their mind.

"I've just been a bit tired, that's all" I smile at him, not a genuine smile, trust me.

"Are you sure that is all?" He questions.

"Positive" I reply.

"I'm glad but you should not let the need for sleep or rest affect your attitude Stella, especially not your grades"

"Of course, father, I apologize, I will do better" I inform him.

He pats my shoulder before exiting my room. I try to go back to studying but the paper begins getting wet instead, I close my book and went to shower.

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