Don't Be Afraid BxB

3. If only you knew...

I ruined this chapter so bad D: I suck, I honestly tried my best <3 :'( next chapter = better xo

Phoenix P.O.V

The people with the brightest smiles, are usually the ones who are suffering deep within. Everyday, I would be the person walking around with the biggest smile. Deep down inside? I felt like I was dying. It felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs, but no one looked up to aknowlege the pain. I feel like I'm trapped, theres no escape. I felt like my end was near, I was afraid..."Phoenix!, snap out of it", Sir clicked his fingers bringing me out of my trance. It's been a week since I met Alexander in Drama class. I was currently stuck in Music Technology, I was in my own world today struggling to focus on reality. "Since you're not paying attention, I want you next door and out of my sight", he sighed gently. Without hesitiation, I made my way out of the classroom.

Why won't they ever stop? I frowned tugging at my ear lobe. They always keep going on, it never ends. "Stop it", I whimpered tugging harder. "Phoenix, wait up", Emily yelled as I heard her high heels clicking against the marble floor. "You dropped this", she handed me over the letter Jay wrote to me in prision. "I just can't read it right now, Em", I sighed pressing my lips gently to the evelope. Why did he have to be sent to Jail, he wasn't here to protect me. I missed him so much. "Babe, just go sit in the locker room and read it", she sighed rubbing my back before she vanished. I sighed out a long breath making my way into the locker room. I looked around to see empty benches, perfect.

I had a gym class, so I decided to get ready before the boys come in. I opened up my locker pulling out all the equiptment I needed. I stripped down to my boxers, ignoring the mirrors as it showed the reflection of someone I hated. Myself. I sat myself down on the bench, my hands were sweaty. I didn't want to read any of the letters Jay had sent me, it was heartbreaking. I really don't understand how this could have happened to someone like him, he had the biggest heart and mind. He was my best friend, we were closer than anything. We were inseparable.

To, My little brother, Phoenix.

I'm going to start off this letter, by saying how much you mean to me bro. I remeber when you were born, I had pulled an all nighter. I was too excited to sleep, I remember mom screaming in the hospital room. I then heard a cry, a babies cry. That cry belonged to you, as soon as I heard that, I knew it was real. I remember peeking over the bed to look at you, I was only four at the time. I smiled and whispered your name, you opened your eyes and I could see a hint of a smile on your face as you held onto my finger with your whole hand.

I guess you could say I told you so now, and you were right. I'm you're big brother, I'm suppost to protect you and support you through all the tough shit we have to go through in life. I let you down, I will never forgive myself. You need me, I'm not there. I'm going to be in prison for a few years, until the day we meet again I need you to promise me something... Keep your head high, stay positive and be strong. I love you, remember that. We will meet again someday, I'm just sorry I put you through all of this. Don't ever think that you are worthless, or that you are a mistake. Having a little brother, is the best thing that had ever happened to me. I would take my own life for you. Stay strong Phoenix ox.

~Jay

I brought my hands to my eyes, I needed to keep my emotions inside. I needed to be strong for Jay. I was weak, I could feel the ground crumbling from beneath me. "Hey, hey, hey", I heard a faint voice yell from the distance. Leave me alone, while the darkness takes me away. "Phoenix", I heard the voice again. I tugged on my ears again, leave me alone! I felt arms wrap around my waist bringing me up onto my feet. I stumbled but the weight lifted me up holding me against them. "Make it stop", I whimpered clutching onto the force that was saving me. "It wont leave me alone", I called out burring my face into the persons chest. What is happening to me?

I started to sweat, it was too hot for me in here. "Too- hot-", I stuttered out clawing at my buttons but failing. I started digging my nails into my neck, trying to rip the material off my body. "He's having a panic attack", I heard someone mumble in the echo. It once again felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs, where was Jay when I needed him. "Stop doing it, how you could leave me", I screamed at the top of my lungs. I couldn't see anything but entire blackness, I felt my skin buring from inside. I felt someone running there hands up my sides, tugging at my shirt. "Stop it, Jay!", I screamed for his help.

In an instant flash I was snapped back into reality. I clutched onto the person closest to me, I just needed to feel arms around me. I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be okay, when I knew for a fact I was breaking down. "Shh, you're okay", Alexanders deep voice whispered through the voices whispering around me. I blinked my eyes open, reality finally sunk in. "Just take deep breaths okay?", his eyes were wide with fear and concern. I leaned my head down and his hand rubbed soothing patterns into my back. "Phoenix, I need you to try and calm down", Coach sighed sternly. "Everyone get the fuck out into the feild, the shows over", Coach yelled startling me.

"Has this ever happened to him before?", Alexander asked me while cupping my face in his hands. He could see I was struggling to let my words flow out. "When he was little. Phoenix, I could hear you screaming from the photography room", Emily sighed crouching down next to me. "Someone called for a nurse- oh dear Phoenix", I saw a woman wearing a light blue dress holding out a first aid kit. "I'-m fin-e", I whispered out. "He's terrified, whats happened to him?", Emilys voice shook as she tried to comfort me. "Phoenix, can you try and sit on the bench for me hun?", the nurse sent me a warm smile. I managed to stand up as Emily took a seat next to me, she gripped my hand in hers as I felt shaky.

"Phoenix I need you to tell me exactly what happened?", the nurse pulled out her first aid kit and stared searching. "Nothing", I smiled brightly but she sent me a worried look in return. "He started mumbling someones name, then I had to hold him up. He was scratching at his neck, he started screaming and ripping at his shirt and my arms", Alexander called out taking my other hand in his. "Phoenix, you've had a panic attack. You're going to be okay", Emily smiled as the nurse started wiping at my neck. "Ouchy", I whimpered swatting her hands away. "No", I muttered at the wet pad she was trying to sting me with.

"Phoenix I need to clean you", Nurse sighed while dabbing at my neck. "It stings, I don't need cleaning. I shower twice a day", I argued while trying to shift away. The two traitors held my arms down while the evil woman wiped the blood off my neck. "No", I choked up letting the tears fall. "Don't look at me, I'm crying", I sobbed out into my hands as the nurse tried to tug my hands away. "No, my eyeliners smudged", I pouted making Alexander chuckle next to me. I could help but notice all the bruises fading away on his skin. "Mommy", I squealed while swatting everyone away.

~

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?", Emily sighed as she walked me to the back enterance of school. They had helped me get changed back into my normal clothes and joked around to cheer me up as the nurse checked to see if I was okay. I suffer with panic attacks and... allot. I hugged Emily goodbye as she climbed into her dads car and drove off. "Phoenix", Alexander mumbled from behind me. I was extremely embarrassed about him seeing me freak out like that. "Yes?", I frowned scanning my eyes over the fellow bruises on his face and under his neck shirt line. He took my hands in his. His gaze locked on mine as he stared at me in confusion. "What really happened in there? that wasn't just a panic attack... wait-", he frowned as he noticed me tugging on my ear lobes like I always did as a habbit.

"Phoenix... are you hearing voices?".

______________________
please comment <3 ideas for next chapter? How i did?