Don't Be Afraid BxB

5. Looking Through The Glass"

Phoenix P.O.V

(I don't even know what happened when I wrote this, I put some hard work into this <3 )

I never thought I would live to see the day I had my very first kiss. Alexander Storm had kissed me, he had shown me physical effection. I've never known what true effection was, until he pressed his lips onto mine. For the first time in my life, I felt normal for just a split second I felt like a normal human being. But all good things must come to an end when he pulled away, I was terrified. I've always felt disconnected from reality but that kiss changed everything.

I didn't know how to feel, I've only known Alexander for a couple of weeks and it feels like he is the only person who is there for me. I've never really questioned my sexuality until I laid eyes on him for the first time. It snapped me back into reality, I wish the kiss had never happened. I don't want to fall inlove, theres no piont as it will just leave him heartbroken. I don't want to be here, I don't want to stay on this earth just because of love. What is love? I've never known or expierenced it as my life has always been downhill. I'm scared of love.

After he kissed me, I ran so far away. I was scared about what was in store for me in the future. I was now sat on the roof outside my bedroom window. I was looking up at the night sky, shining with millions of stars. I promised myself that one day I would be a star, in the sky looking down on the people who were suffering like me. People who were in the closet like I am, people who were hearing voices or living in a silence of suffering. People who had mental illnesses and people who were just struggling with life, life is never fair and thats something i've just got on with since I was young.

I've now relaized that I am gay, another reason for people to look down on me because I am different. I can't help it, I can't help the fact that my mind is attracted to the same gender. Thats another thing I will have to deal with, I know my parents wont care. They don't care about me anyways, but I guess thats just me thinking that way. When you suffer with depression, you become blind of all the love surrounding you. I know deep down in my parent's neglected hearts, they care about me. One day my wish will come true.. I want to die.

I just wish I could live this life a different way. I needed to come out of the closet to my parents. My Mom is the most important woman in my life and its time I understood that. She raised me like her own son, she did an amazing job until Jay decided to do the things he did which teared her apart. She gave up her work and life just to take us in and give us a true home to be happy in. I've never been grateful, because of everything that has happened. My mom is my hero, I need to be more grateful. I love my parents, they've done everything they can. There not neglecting me, it just feels that way because I'm not the only one who has problems and is suffering, they have there own problems too. They raised Jay since he was a toddler, and he repays them buy going to prison.

~

"Mom, I need to tell you something", I remained emotionless as I stepped into my parent's bedroom. "Honey, you know you can tell me anything", she held her arm around me as we sat down on her bed. "I've known this ever since I was five years old mom, I know that you're going to be even more disapionted but you deserve to know", I let out a shaky breath. "Mom, I'm gay", I whispered. I had finally done it, I had come out to the most important woman in my life. She's done so much for me, its time I realize that. "Honey, I still love you like you were my own. I've raised you since you were shitting in dipars. You're my son and I love you. Ever since Jay went to rehab, you've just turned into a complete new person. I want the old Phoenix back, I want you to tell me whats wrong", she smiled happily.

She does care about me, I've been so blind this hole time. I needed help, I've been lying to myself by thinking i'm normal. "I guess I just miss Jay, I blame myself and it hurts because he chose drugs over me. I met a boy called Alexander, Mom. We've been hanging around allot at school, he's really nice to me. His mom is a doctor, he understood the signs of mental illness. I had a panic attack during school-", I sighed as she frowned in concern rubbing my back. "I had a panic attack about Jay, I was crying and screaming in the locker room. Alex came in and tried to comfort me, I hurt his arms when I freaked out. I scared him but he still stuck by me and calmed me down", I smiled at the memory and she listened.

"He asked me if I was hearing voices", I let the tears fall as she pulled me into her arms. "I said yes, I cried to him and told him everything about wanting to end my life because the voices never stop, mommy i'm scared. He listened to me, and he conforted me but then...", I cried harder. "He kissed me, it scared me so I just ran as far away from him as I could. I just want to end my life, I don't want to live in this fucked up world anymore. I would have kissed back but whats the point of staring a relationship and falling in love if it's not going to last when I decide to just jump and end it all-", she cut me off with the most heart breaking look i've ever seen.

"Mom I need help", I sobbed as she just rocked us back and forth. "I've always known you weren't quite right in the head since Jay left. I will tell you're father everything. Tomorrow I'll take you to the doctors and you can bring your friend, I will fight even if it kills me. I'll fight until we get answers, I just want you to stop suffering. You're my little boy, I promise you everything is going to be okay. Now I want you to go take a warm bath to calm you're self down. I love you, okay?", she smiled releasing me to wipe a few tears away.
~

Me: Alex I'm so sorry for running away. Meet me in ten mintues, I like you
Alex: I understand you were scared, I really like you too Phoenix - *Bang* *Yelling* *Phone Cuts*
Me: Alex? Alex what happened? Alex?

______________

Whats happened to Alex? Comment for next chapter :)? <3