Room To Breath

chapter twentyone

Oli's pov

When I wake up my head is fuzzy and I'm dizzy. The smell of breakfast makes my stomach turn. I get up from the bed and find I'm naked. Where are my clothes?

I don't have to do much thinking about what happened last night. I remember that guy saving me and I'm like 100% sure we had sex. When I stand up I almost lose my balance and fall. Slowly I walk out of the room completely naked and confused.

Where are my clothes..?

I get to the kitchen and see the guys cooking and he's only wearing a red plaid skirt or kilt, I dont know. "I made you- oh wow," he says when he turns over and sees I'm naked. He's holding a plate of food.

"Thanks but no. I'm not hear to eat or share feelings," I say and walk out because I can see the hurt expression on his face. Maybe he's not hurt, I just have to not look. I go into the living room and put on my clothes that are scattered around the room.

"Did I wear a condom?" I ask not being able to remember the sex.

"Yeah, um.. but at the end you seemed a little.. dazed? Are you okay?" He says and I shrug.

"I mean xanax does that," I say and he goes quiet. Once I've got my clothes on I look at him to see he's looking at the floor messing with his fingers. He's upset..

I don't see why he's upset. I cant even remember it. I wonder what my body count is? I dont remember so many times. My shoulders drop a little. Last night I tried to kill myself and didn't get the job done. I'm such a pussy.

I'll try again..

"Bye," I say going to the door.

"Wait! Oli, okay fuck. This isn't how I wanted this to go," he says and I look at him boredom in my face. The xanax is wearing off, I need to get something else in my system.

"I was hoping you'd stay for a while, we could eat and watch movies. You know, talk and get to know each other?" He says and I smile and shake my head no.

"You're pretty and seem really nice but that's not me. I'm a depressed druggie who loves sex. Theres nothing more to me so just forget about me," I say and he hugs himself a little looking away. He opens his mouth to say something but closes it.

"Yeah, I make me feel like shit too," I say seeing I made him upset.

"B-but, I'm sure we-"

"No, there is no 'we' or 'us' goodbye," I say going through the door and slamming it shut on accident. I dont want a relationship, that would just hurt both of us.

It would hurt the other to watch me destroy myself with drugs and my self destructive behavior. It would make me feel even worse to hurt someone. Yeah I hurt that guy but he shouldn't have got attached. He picked me up at the side of the road and as soon as we got there we had sex. How could that lead to something more?

What did he expect?

As I'm walking I start to think about josh. He's more attractive than everyone I know. Why haven't I had sex with him? Because he's to good for me. Not in a way I couldn't get with him but in a way that I know I shouldn't get with him.

I think I respect him more?

Unlike everyone else he doesn't look at me for sex. He hung out with me because... because..? Why would anyone hang out with me?

My mind goes to memories that seem to be cloudy. I wrote a letter.. to who? Fuck, I'm always forgetting shit after taking xanax. After a thirty minute walk I get to my room to see Andy and Ronnie talking but they stop as soon as I walk in.

"Where were you?" Ronnie asks but I dont see why. I'm always gone or in here. I'm everywhere yet nowhere. I shrug and grab my backpack and walk into the bathroom we have. It only has a toilet and sink.

I then close the toilet and get out a bag of power. Special K... yum. I usually inject it but needles hurt. I'd rather get it in powdered form and sniff it. That's exactly what I do. This mixed with xanax should make me sleep. I'll skip class today.

I put my back pack under the sink use the bathroom and then come out to see it's just Ronnie now. Andy can be shy sometimes. Ronnie's watching me the whole time as I go to my bed and sit. My high is already starting to hit hard.

My body feels heavy.

I take off my shoes, shirt, and jeans before getting under my blankets. "Oli, where were you last night?" He asks again and I shrug.

I was trying to kill myself, not like you would care. "What are you on?" He asks and I roll onto my back feeling weighted down but in a good way. I'm numb. I dont feel like killing myself.

"With a guy, he had nice lips," I mumble closing my heavy eyes. Finally I can sleep. I miss sleep. Sleep is for the week. An entire week if sleep would be nice.

"You need to get yourself together," he mumbles and I feel myself fade into darkness.

:c Oli made Remington cry

Oli needs help..

Ronnie and Andy? What were they talking about?

I wonder how Vic waking Kellin to his classes is going to go..?