The fact that I still want to die just, hurts. I thought I was better, I was better, so what is it?
Is it the fact that I'm left alone so much? Is it the fact that I feel like no one loves me and only me? Is it the fact that I depend so much on others for anything and when they can't help I'm left with nothing but hurt?
I really want to know and get over this because I hate feeling like this. Like everything is my fault even when I didn't do anything. Like I can't do anything because my heart feels too heavy. I feel as if I can't even breathe properly sometimes.
I hate feeling like this all the time because I want to be better. I want to be happy and be able to joke around with my friends knowing that it's always real and not just me trying to push myself into a good mood because I feel like absolute shit. I want to be able to be alone sometimes without thinking about how much I want to talk to someone about this, but that I'm not able to because I don't want to dump my depression on anyone. I know it hurts them when I do that too.
I hate being so vulnerable, I hate it so much.
