the truth will out

2. The Signs

Its a Friday evening which would normally mean getting back from taping late, then brad ordering a takeaway and cuddling up to watch a film which would normally lead to sex... But friends finished a couple of months ago and instead I'm sat outside on one of the chairs with Norman and a cigarette alone wondering where everything went wrong.
It still feels so weird that I'm never going to drive to stage 24 at 6am, never going to play Rachel with the other guys. It makes me feel more lonely somehow. I know if this had all happened whilst we were still taping they would spend hours and hours in my dressing room, all comforting me, telling me that they're here for me, bad mouthing brad. But instead I have the odd phone call with courteney or dad checking up on me.
Feeling like this makes me wish me and mom had sorted things out. I know that she, having gone through this exact situation, would know all the right things to say, to comfort. Sure I've thought about calling before but I still don't trust her, me and Brad haven't announced anything yet and I just know she'd love to be the one to tell the world with or without my say so.

As I stump out my finished cigarette and light another one (I know chain smoking is really bad for you blah blah blah) I can't help but look back and kick myself at all the warning signs, the red flags.

I mean it obviously started when he got the call saying the role in Mr and Mrs smith was his. I remember his excitement as he ran into the living room, his eyes shining, jumping around like a little kid on Christmas. He'd wanted that role so badly, I remember him staying up late on calls with the director, writing emails to the casting office.
At that time they'd barely started casting, "who else is in, do you know?" I'd asked "err a chick called angelina jolie and that vince vaughn" he replied.
Hearing him refer to girls as chicks had always bugged me and he knew it. "sorry... an actress called angelina jolie" he corrected himself upon seeing my disapproving expression. He'd always been like that, slightly rude and arrogant towards females and trust me I'd tried to train him out of it but like they say... boys never change.

As I looked out across the garden, listening to the water from the pool, I delved deeper into the memories I'd tried to forget.
Like a couple of months later when they were well into filming and he started coming home later and later, I knew he was busy as he kept reminding me when I brought it up, but I also knew it wasn't normal to be staying on set so late.
Pretty much from day one of filming all he did was talk about angelina, he didn't bother asking how my day was or how I was feeling, it was all 'oh angies so funny' and 'oh you'll never guess what angie did today'.
The first time I heard him call her 'angie' instead of angelina made the hairs on my arms stand up. It was even worse when he stopped calling me 'jenny' which he'd done pretty much from day one and started calling me 'jen' and sometimes even 'jennifer'.

My eyes stung as I remembered this. Maybe norm sensed I was going to cry or maybe he was just cold but he came and jumped up next to me, snuggling his head into my lap.
I sat there, just like I had done for the past two weeks since we got back from the Caribbean, and sobbed into Norman's fur, wondering why this had happened and what I'd done to deserve it. I tried to stop remembering things in an attempt to relieve some of the pain it was causing but it was no use, I'd opened the box and now it had to be emptied.

I remembered the final straws, the times when I knew something was going on. The countless nights he would climb into bed without even kissing me goodnight, we hadn't had sex in months but Courteney and Lisa swore it was normal, some 'down cycle' bullshit they went on about where a relationship goes through cycles of passion and not so much passion, and we were just in the 'not so much passion' phase.
I also remember him promising me that he'll make it to the final taping of friends. He knew how important it was to me and he knew I'd reserved the whole front row for him and a couple of my close friends. But I'll never forget the sting of peeping out of the curtain and scanning the front row looking for his dazzling smile but instead just seeing one empty seat. It took me right back to when I was 11 years old performing in a new school play every semester and every time dad would promise he'd be there and the night before mom would reassure me just for me to peep my head out from behind the curtain and see the empty chair and moms apologetic face. He'd say 'I was busy' or 'I lost track of time' but I knew it was really because he was distracted with work and his new girlfriend who I only found out about a year after mom and him split.

The argument with Brad that had followed the next day was one of the worst I'd ever had with anybody let alone him. We screamed at each other for hours about stress and work. He kept using the same excuse of being busy and i still refused to believe him.
I'd stayed at courteneys that night and the whole cast had come round. I remember sitting there looking at all their faces, I asked them seriously if they thought he was cheating and I remember the way my stomach dropped when they all hesitated, looking at each other waiting for someone else to say something.

I realised I'd stopped crying now and after sitting in the cool breeze for a few minutes longer I went in, took some medicine for my now pounding headache from crying, and headed to bed for another sleepless night.