the truth will out

11. Strength

"How can you forget the day your heart was broken? The funny thing about a broken heart is that it's not fatal. Though you wish in vain that it were, life continues on and you have no choice but to continue on with it. You take the hand that fate has dealt you and you press forward because there is nothing else that can be done."

I used to laugh at quotes like this. I used to read them and think 'god who believes this sappy shit?' I used to feel sorry for the people who spent their time reading and crying over cringey quotes about how they deserved the broken heart or the grief of losing someone just because a man in the sky decided it was time to put them through that pain. To "challenge" them.
But then I actually went through it. I was put in the place of others. The pain was then laid upon me.
Yeah I was really hurt when mine and moms relationship blew up. But these cringey quotes weren't around back then. I still believe most quotes are just some spiritual guru thinking they're the next jesus but some take a place in my heart. Like this one. Because it opened my eyes even wider to the fact that... I've been through some shit. And yet here I am, still fighting, living, breathing. And I'm extremely lucky for the life I've led so far.
Yes I'm still in pain, and yes I'm going to be in pain for a long time. But owning up to the pain and not being in denial. That's the strength that I didn't have until I read those words.
I can't let one man and a broken heart steal me of the life that I dreamed of since I was a little girl. I don't even want to label it as a broken heart... Just another crack in it. Along with all the hundreds of cracks from the painful words mom and dad said growing up, the harshness that was my family, the countless number of boys that used me because of my status in the world. But everyone needs cracks in the heart to survive. Without those experiences you haven't really lived I don't think... Nothing will have shaped you into the person you are without those cracks. They're the foundation, no matter how unstable, that makes you who you are.

Getting up this morning was tough. I didn't want to even open my eyes but I had thousands of messages and missed phone calls and I know that I can't run from what's happened.
After taking a long shower and getting dressed into some more comfortable clothes I head downstairs, not even bothering with the usual workout and breakfast.
I sit on the couch cross-legged and finally switch my phone on for the first time since last night.
I have almost a hundred missed calls from the girls, dad and even some from brads mom.
I go over to the messages and slowly read through them, they're all just hoping I'm ok and that I'll get through it and if I want anything they're always there. Messages like that always make me feel as though they're treating me like a delicate baby that will start crying any second. I don't want people to tiptoe around me or the situation.
I don't respond to any messages because I dont even know what to say but I find myself, without thinking, sending a message to courteney to ask if I can watch coco for the day. I don't even know why, I just want company but not the company of an adult who will make me feel worse about everything.
"Are you sure?"
Courteneys message comes through almost immediately
"yes, I'll be fine, please Court"
I hate how it sounds like I'm begging.
"Ok, I'm going out for dinner so I'll bring her round then, in about an hour x"
I breathe a sigh of relief knowing I'm going to see those cute chubby cheeks soon.
I thank courteney before deciding that I actually need to eat something now so I make myself some cereal and sit back down on the couch, reaching for the remote.
However the TV channel that's playing when it turns on is showing a tmv article. My stomach lurches as I see the statement that I wrote not even 12 hours ago, up on my TV.
I quickly turn it off and decide to just sit in silence, no distractions except Norman and his squeaky chew toy.

Before I know it courteneys knocking at the door with coco on her hip and a rucksack full of Cocos things in her hand. I open the door and stare straight into the eyes of sympathy.
I groan "don't look at me like that" I mutter.
"like what?"
"like you feel sorry for me and sympathetic and all that"
"but I do" courteney replies, pouting almost.
"I'm fine, especially with this one" I grin taking coco from her and squeezing her tightly, taking in her baby smell as she wraps a tight fist in my hair, the pacifier stuck firmly in her mouth.
"are you sure you're up to looking after her? It won't be too stressful?"
"come on, this is the least stressful thing I could be doing right now and it's a great distraction, you know how much I love this girl"
"ok" courteney sighs "but just be aware of her moving, she started walking the other week and she's fast"
"ok, oh did you catch her first steps?" I ask excitedly.
"of course I did" courteney grins "David's having it burned on a dvd with all of her other firsts so when that's done I'll send you a copy"
"thankyou" I lean forward to hug courteney, tightly squeezing my arm around her. I'd forgotten how good a hug can feel sometimes but thankfully courteney returned it just as strongly.
"okay I really have to go or I'll be late" she laughs pulling away after more than a minute "I'll give you a proper one tonight when you don't have a baby clinging to your hair and shirt"
"thankyou honey" I laugh.
Just as courteney starts to walk away she turns back for a second "oh and the paps are hell out there, it's crazy, please if you take her out be careful. Both of you"
"of course I will, now go before I give you another hug" I laugh as I watch her get back in her car, coco waving to her.

"right what are we gonna do with you missy?" I smile as I playfully throw her down onto the couch.
"sea?" she says with a slight lisp.
"you wanna go in the water?" I look out of the back doors towards the crystal blue water. I take a moment to think it over, realising the paps will be at either end of the beach with their cameras, even though they're not allowed past a certain point it's still intrusive. But then I turn back to coco as she repeats "sea" multiple times.
"ok I guess I can try and dig out a swimsuit for you"
I quickly run upstairs and go into the wardrobe looking through old boxes before I find an old swimsuit I'd bought to give to a friend at a baby shower which was cancelled last minute.
"this'll work" I mutter to myself before gasping as I hear a loud crash from downstairs. My heart skips a couple of beats as I rush down the stairs to find coco in one of the kitchen cupboards by the floor, playing with the pots and pans.
"wow your mommy wasn't lying when she said you could move fast huh?" I laugh, picking her up.
"swim" she shouts, noticing the bathing suit in my hand.

Once she was dressed I took her down to the water with Norman and gave her a bucket and spade. She didn't even pay attention to the cameras but I could feel them behind me, I could hear the lens clicking every two seconds, every millisecond when I turned toward them. I made sure to stay close to coco, promising to 'guard her fairy tower' as she ran back and forth from the water to the mini sandcastle I'd helped her make. Norman soon got tired of running around and layed down next to me, his head in my lap.

At one point coco made me go into the water with her to look at the rocks, the cool water splashing against our legs. However she soon got tired and asked me to carry her.
She wrapped her legs and arms around me, laying her head on my shoulder. I stooped to pick up the bucket and spade, quietly whistling at Norman to follow us before heading up to the house.
I brushed the sand off her feet and lay her on the circular day lounger inside, laying a thin blanket over her sleeping body before brushing the sand off my feet and sitting on the couch.
I picked up the laptop from the floor and logged into my emails, again not reading any I went straight to aileen my manager but then hesitated.
Did I really want to do this? Was I ready to do this. Yes.
I emailed her, writing "hi, please could you send me some scripts that came through recently, I really need something to do, thankyou sweetie. X"
Within 20 minutes she'd sent me back two scripts to read, both a good length. I didn't bother looking at titles, I just clicked onto the first one and began to read. As I finished the last paragraph I realised it wasn't at all that good and needed alot of work. At that moment though coco stirred from her sleep, slowly climbing off the day lounger and up onto the couch, sitting down clumsily in my lap.
"did you have a good nap?" I asked quietly, rubbing her back. She nodded in reply, tiredly rubbing her eyes. She takes out her pacifier and complains of being thirsty so I go into her little rucksack and take out her sippy cup, filling it with orange juice and handing it back to her along with the bag of animal crackers courteney had packed.

I spent the rest of the afternoon watching coco play around with Norman and some old toys I found.
I remembered I hadn't read the other script so I go back onto the laptop and open up the second script, taking a double glance at the title : "the breakup"
Was this a joke? Aileen promised me it wasn't and that she just thought it was a really good one to look at even though the timing couldn't have been more unfortunate.
I took her word for it and began to read, becoming invested almost immediately. By the time I'd finished it I'd gone through all the emotions : anger, crying, laughing.
I emailed Aileen as soon as I'd finished and told her to try and get me the part.

When courteney came to pick coco up, she was almost asleep again from all the running around and playing.
Courteney gave me another strong hug like she'd promised, making me well up a little.
Just as she was asking how coco had been my phone rang. Pulling it out my pocket I looked down to see a name I never thought I'd see on my phone again "mom"
My eyes widened as I stared down at it
"aren't you gonna answer?" courteneys voice asked, bringing me out of my mind. I paused for a couple of seconds.
"no"
"no?"
"no" I repeated, ignoring it and throwing it back onto the couch.
"she's only looking out for you jen"
"I don't wanna hear it from her right now"
Courteney thankfully got the message and we wrapped up the conversation, coco fast asleep in her mother's arms as I shut my front door. All alone except for the dog and my torturing thoughts...