the truth will out

12. The Papers

I woke up to the sound of the rain lashing against my bedroom window, the waves almost muffled. I rolled over, pressing my face into the pillow, not wanting today to continue.
Its been almost two weeks since the statement came out and everyone found out. It's been literal hell.
From the media making up some of the worst rumors I've ever heard about myself to friends and family not knowing how to act around me and treating me like some precious China that could shatter at any moment.
I read a rumor about the split almost 4 days ago and it's still burned into my brain, the words going around over and over like an echo : that we split because I didn't want children.
I didn't cry reading it, I just stood in shock, realising that that's what people are now thinking of me. That I'm some bitter woman who was left because she refused to go by her husbands commands. I knew it wasn't true I obviously wanted kids and everyone who knows me knows that it's not true. But that's now one of the paparazzis favourite questions when harassing me.
I've been out once since all this happened and I actually almost cried it was that stressful. My security did well at keeping them away but the things they shouted and asked were like knives, it's the worst I've had to deal with in this business so far.

Its early May; friends finished over a year ago, my marriage crumbled almost exactly 5 months ago and I've been isolating myself from the world for pretty much 3 months.
As I sit on the day lounger, the TV quiet in the background, I review my options. I know we can't stay married, anyone would understand that. It's just the actual confrontation and officialness of it that I don't want. I know once those papers are in his hands there's no turning back for us and there's no hope that we would ever have another chance.
I have two voices in my head; one telling me to file and get this part of my life done with, and the other telling me to hold out just a little while longer. They argue with each other for over half an hour, eventually driving me crazy.

"hello?"
"hi courteney"
"hi, are you talking to people again?"
She laughs trying to ease some of the awkwardness out of the air but failing miserably.
"yeah sorry about this I just need time on my own, but I do need your opinion on something"
Courteney is silent before telling me to go on. In the background I can hear coco almost talking fluently as she runs around laughing, probably with David. The sound puts my mind at ease slightly as I take a deep breath.
"if you were me and you were in my position.... Would you file for divorce or hold out longer"
There's a pause as I bite my lip, regretting even asking someone else for their help.
"I'd file"  courteney replies after several moments. The firmness takes me back slightly, she doesn't seem hesitant at all.
"okay I guess that's it then" I sigh, the tension sitting high in my shoulders as I think about the next giant mountain I'm going to have to conquer.
"now it's my turn to ask you something"
"ok?" I reply hesitantly, breaking out into a sweat as I wonder what she's going to ask.
"what would I be holding out for anyway?"
I sigh feeling stupid that I didn't see this question coming sooner.
"i....err I don't know. For him to maybe change his mind or something?"
There's another long pause down the phone as I feel myself getting hot from embarrassment.
"jen... I know you need this time alone right now and that's fine... But I don't want you getting caught up in fantasies and what you want to happen, you need to be realistic"
Her words feel icy cold as I think it over, knowing full well that she's right.
"I know" I sigh "look I gotta go and get this sorted out now, thanks for the advice"
"of course sweetie, call me if you need me"
"I will-oh and give my love to coco and David"
"of course, I love you"
"love you too Court, bye"

And with that I hang up. Straight away I call up Steven my publicist letting him know what I've decided then get the number for my lawyer.
Once all phone calls are done and I've been persuaded enough that everything will be taken care of I lay back down on the couch and take a deep breath, reminding myself this'll all be over for good soon.

The papers arrived at my door by dinner the next evening. I filled out what I needed to, filing on 'irreconcilable differences'. I guess you could say that was our issue, more like he was a cheating rat but whatever.
I sit at the kitchen island looking at the files, resealed, on the counter.
I feel my heart speed up every so often when I think about looking at him face to face again, the nerves are strong even as I climb into bed at 2am.

Waking up this morning was even more difficult that it has been the past week. The smell of rain was strong in the air as I climbed into the car, large sunglasses hiding my tired, makeup free face.
Backing out of the driveway thankfully there were only one or two paps, the rest probably still in bed seeing as they stay outside pretty late at nights.
I arrive at my old house, taking a deep breath as I realise I'm going to be turning up unannounced then dumping a stack of divorce papers on him. Then, reminding myself that that's pretty much what he's done to me, I take a final deep breath before knocking on the big oak doors that used to be so comforting to me.

Seeing his face, his eyes squinting, hair dishevelled as he looks at me confused, makes my eyes sting briefly with tears before I recompose myself and ask if I can come in. He let's me in, kicking kids toys out the way as we walk to the living room, everything pretty much the same except that now it's obvious a little kid lives there also.
I try to ignore all the family photos already lining the wall as I sit on the couch and look towards brad who's eyeing the documents warily.
"ahem... I'm guessing you know why I'm here so I'm going to cut all the bullshit"
I look into his eyes as his face is visibly shocked to hear me talk so cold and straight forward.
I planned to be like this though, I knew if I was weak he'd see right through me and I'd fall for it again so being cold is the only way I can get through to him.
"I need these signed and sent back to me as soon as you can. I'm not asking you to do it now but you do need to do it. You can call your lawyers today and they can meet and plan where we go from there. I've never been through a divorce so I don't know how this goes but I know the meetings to sort out our possessions and bank accounts will start pretty soon so please actually be ready and have a plan. I want this to be done in a friendly way, no back stabbing or ignorance please" I take a breath and pause realising just how quickly I was speaking.
Brad still doesn't reply, he just nods slowly, staring blankly from the documents in my lap to my face.
"I errm... I think I'm gonna go now" and with that I stand up and walk towards the door not even waiting for a reply. I just want to get out of that house.
"jen wait" I hear him saying as he jogs to catch up to me, my hand on the door handle. I turn around and he falls silent again, I look expectantly in his eyes as he takes a deep breath.
"I didn't mean for you to get hurt so badly" he mutters.
"I know" I whisper back, letting the cold persona drop for a while. My bottom lip trembles slightly as I move a step closer and embrace him. Stepping on my tip toes even though he's only wearing a vest and boxer shorts.
Feeling his arms wrapped around me, hearing him inhale as his nose is buried in my hair around my shoulders. The hug doesn't feel comforting anymore, just lonely and painful.
"ok" I whisper pulling away, my eyes still tearing up slightly, I look into his eyes one last time before opening the door and walking back towards my car. It's over, I'm officially going to be single and alone again....

I know you guys have been wanting this to get happier and it should be soon but idek where I'm going with this. There's obvs gonna be some more lows along the way cos this is kinda accurate (I'm not saying it's fully accurate I'm guessing alot of it)
Please keep reading tho ❤️