the truth will out

5. Pain

For the first time in almost four weeks I feel slightly peaceful. My thoughts aren't racing, I don't have a constant headache or the urge to just scream and cry. It's nice.
I'm back into semi-normal clothes, I'm wearing shorts now instead of baggy sweats and a tank top.
As I sit on the sofa with Norman, scrolling through what to watch on the TV, I hear the doorbell ring.
Norman immediately perks up and barks before running to the door, impatiently waiting for me to open it.
I sigh at the inconvenience of having to move from my comfy spot and throw the remote down and walk to the door. Norman carries on barking, looking through the glass at whoevers there.
"what are you doing normy?" I ask "move back a bit" I laugh trying to nudge him away from the door with my leg so I can actually open it.
I open the door still smiling, to look into the eyes of the one person I didn't want to see. My smile drops as my heart sinks. Norman scratches at the back of my legs before I move out the way, and he bounds up to brad who kneels down and pets him a couple of times before standing up again.
"what are- what are you doing here?" I ask, trying not to look at his face.
All the memories are flooding back, all the ones I'd tried to train myself to forget.
"I came for the rest of my stuff"
He replies as if I should've known that's why he was here. Not to apologise or beg for me to take him back.
"oh" is all I can manage as I move slightly so he can walk past.
He walks straight to the bedroom, Norman still at his heels almost tripping him up.
"Norman" I hiss, "come here" and he obediently trots back to me and stays around my feet.
I stand in the hallway, after shutting the door, staring into nowhere.
'do I follow him?' I think. He obviously doesn't want to talk.
I decide to just go and stand in the doorway and so I do. When I get to the room he's got a new suitcase out from the cupboard and is piling the rest of his clothes from the wardrobe into it.
My eyes sting as I see what a rush he's in to get out.
I watch him till he's finished then he stands up and looks at me again.
"I packed most stuff for the holiday so this is pretty much just the last of it"
"mm hmm" I hum, looking down at the ground.
"bye then" and he grabs the suitcase handle and starts to walk to the door I'm stood by.
"wait" I notice the two large boxes in the corner that are full of some of our photo albums. "don't you wanna take some of the photo albums?" I ask, I can see his brain calculating something. He chews his lip as he looks between the boxes and me.
"why don't you keep them" he answers and makes a move for the door again but this time I step forward so he can't walk through it. I can feel the anger rising now. All the anger I'd held in, that I hadn't even shown the day after he told me he loved another woman. It was bubbling.
"are you serious right now brad?"
"what?" he looks confused, as if I don't have a right to be mad at him for never giving a shit.
"you come here unannounced then practically tell me you don't want to remember our marriage at all. They're our memories, I mean this ended, but we still made some incredible memories together. Don't you wanna remember them?" I hear my voice and loathe how it sounds like I'm begging him.
"look jennifer" he leaves the suitcase where it is and moves a step towards me. I immediately tense up, not knowing what he's doing or saying.
"i- we had a great time together... but... I'm ready to make new memories now. I don't need our memories"
I let out a quiet half gasp, half sob. My eyes are glued to his now, there's no looking away. The tears don't start quick but I can feel them prickling.
"I can't believe you. You're throwing everything we had away... and for what?"
"I can't help who I'm in love with jen"
It feels like the breath was just knocked out of me as I feel the tears start to roll down my cheeks.
Its like the holiday all over again, I feel like I'm reliving that moment and nothing I can do will help me escape.
I watch him grab his suitcase again and walk past me, he stops when he's at my side and his arm twitches, as if it was about to reach out, but then he turns his head and carries on walking.
I stay stood there, trying to comprehend what's happening right now before turning and jogging to catch up with him.
We get to the hallway when he turns to look at me "I'm living with angie now, we're ready to make memories of our own... maybe you should try and do the same. Holding onto this isn't going to help anything".
When I heard those words i felt something snap inside of me.
"get out" I mumble, my lip quivering
"I am I just wanted t-"
"get out!" I shout. I can't stand his face anymore. He's acting so arrogant and calm about leaving his wife for another woman. It's so painful.
"get out!" I scream now, walking forward and pushing his body, pushing him towards the door.
"I never wanna see you again. You've fucked up everything!" I scream, my voice breaking as the tears continue to pour.
I finally get him through the door and slam it in his face then slam my hand against it a few times. My whole body feels like it's on fire as I slowly slide to the floor in uncontrollable sobs. His words echo in my head "we're ready to make new memories of our own"
It's like I never existed to him.

I sit there on the cold wood, trying to relax and think through what just happened and what I'm going to do, before slowly walking to the sofa where I curl up into Norman's fur.
My crying ceases and soon enough I drift into a fitful sleep...