Mofo Crazy Love

Nicolas

That time of the month is awful, hurts a lot,  makes me want to die and makes live hard living. 

My body curiously  prepares itself for this date because  I have felt awful all week.  Like when people feel something before someone die, or someone leaves.  Well I guess the cancer is spreading in my case. 

After school my mom picks me up and first we go to Burger King,  I don't  see the point of going if I am going to throw everything I eat later.  But is a nice gesture plus it's very hard on her,  seeing me suffering and knowing she can't do anything about it.  She tries to act like is nothing to make me feel better but she is very sad.  I can tell because she doesn't order  her ice cream and she loves ice cream.

We get to th  doctor and this time we don't have to wait around.  He is nice,  he flirts with mom,  he wishes he was one of her clients. 

Everybody  always judges her because of her job but she is only trying to make a living.  They all whisper and she goes pretending like is nothing but is everything to her because she gets hurt at the end of every day.

They make me labs and they put me on something that closes and is very dark.  It is scary everytime,  good thing I am not claustrophobic. I close my eyes and when I open them the nurse is getting me out of there.

-Nicolas,  you know is not late to get the chimio started.

-What do you have to offer?

-A chance. 

-Ill think about it. 

-You are running out of time,  do it now before its too late. 

-We'll think about it,  doctor.  - Mom said. 

I felt awful as usual.  She drove me to my father's  place in the forest.  We entered and I layed on my bedroom. I wanted to throw up badly but it didn't come up.  I was crying of the pain and I wants it to end.  I wanted to die.  The therapy of today made me more weak.  I hate that. 

I can't take the medicine right now.  But mom insists and I throw up for the fourth timenon the day and is only six pm. She held my head and cleaned me up.  She gave me that smile the smile she makes when she wants to cry. 

-I don't want it. 

-Okay Jon Snow,  we are running out of time. 
I try to smile but I can't. 

-Till they garantee me that I will survive my answer will be the same. 
I don't want to suffer anymore. 

She just kissed me know the forehead and hugged me.  She didn't want to let me go. 
I tried to say to her about dad and Celine,  which she only replied. 
-I know. 

-How?

-The first wife always knows.  All I can say is Good luck Celine, how much this one will last?

I loved her indifference it looked like she had moved on. 

We stayed the whole day there,  we watched Netflix. Then my dad arrived and we had dinner,  they acted like if they were still married.  I know it sounds bad but I was glad Katherine wasn't here,  she is an expert on ruining good times. 

I went to bed to rest and not to play FIFA.  They stayed there talking listening to music and drinking my moms favorite bottle of wine.  They were still crazy about each other maybe one day they will figure it out. 

When I feel this bad I make letters to the people I care about in case I die.  Then I lay in bed watching things I love in case is the last time and I reflect. 

Don't get me wrong,  I do want to leave and feel right but the cancer sometimes comes back and worse and maybe is my time.  I hate to see my parents breaking wondering how much is going to lay.  Dad wants me to take the quimio toblive but he understands my pointbof view and he doesn't know what to-do.  Maybe in a couple of weeks he will decide.  And mom says is my life and I should decide what I want to do with it.  So is stressing to not know what is going to happen,  if there is a God it will be nice for him to tell me,  Hey you are going to die or you should take it but he doesn't he just waits for us to screw up so we can go to pray.  I want to know if I should fight or enjoy what I have left of being alive.  Anyway I have lived a good life.