Mofo Crazy Love

Katherine

I was not able to enter to my brother's room for a while. The next weeks at school were bad. I decided to be back invisible and nobody stopped me. Jennifer and I talked and we settled things, she was still hurt and a part of me couldn't blame her because I lied to her but it was a good lie. 

Mom and I started to be more close. She would drink wine and enter to Nicolas room to cry. It is t hard to know that he simply isn't here anymore. 

All this years reading about love, when I have better read about grief and about going on. 

Nobody prepares you for that. 

And nobody can understand what it is to not have a part of you. 

I don't think I can describe this feeling again. 

Going to the wedding was hell. There was nothing to stop it. Celine looked gorgeous. On the ceremony I imagined Nicolas was next to me. And this hurted like hell. 

On your mind anything is possible, you can imagine anything. So on my mind in that moment Nicolas hurted and I knew that memory would only hurt me and not let me see, I been blind enough that I didn't see the pain on my brother and I couldn't be blind anymore. 

It hurted let him go because I didn't want to but it was the right thing to do. He will always be with me but for now I need to grief. 

Then I congratulated Celine and she said something that made me think for a while. She said that for the last ten years it has been an adventure. 

My parents divorced ten years ago and then flashbacks from when I was on my room listening to Taylor Swift when she was all into country. And they were figthing and sometimes I did heard. And they always fought for a woman. It couldn't be she? She couldn't be the woman that ruined the marriage of my parents.

Then I asked her how they met and she told me that she used to be his secretary and everytime my mom screamed at my dad for cheating her with a secretary yelled screened on my mind. I wanted to cry but I didn't have any tears left. 

I found my father alone, and we hugged then  my aunties left and we talked. He didn't want to talk about Nicolas and I confronted him telling the truth to him, I always justificated the way he acted bu my brother died because he didn't step up to be a father and do things when it was at time.  He just was there to tell things were wrong but never got the guts to do actually something. 

He got so angry because I was telling the truth. He dragged me out of the house and then the accident happened , actually I am surprised everybody at school found out, how the hell this that happened?

I got to house to hugg mom and apologize we both were together for the whole day. When she fell sleep I took all my romance books and put them on a box to take them to church. 

I showered and cryed because loneliness is a bitch.