The Rebellion (BTS Rap Line x Reader)

Namjoon POV #4 - Trustworthy

"Honestly, Y/N... how do you think they eat so well?"

    She looked at me in terror. I huffed - half-growling - at her tunnel vision. She really saw nothing past her wayward brother, grasping for the family she wanted that could never happen.

    Nevermind that I was standing right in front of her. Nevermind what I had sacrificed for her.

    The mist in her eyes seemed to clear, and she looked at me with a thousand questions I didn't want to answer. I didn't want to explain myself anymore. I didn't want her to question me anymore. I wanted her to trust me. I wanted her to trust me the way she had when I was her teacher.

    But I wasn't her teacher anymore. I wasn't anything to her anymore.

I walked away before my anger took over. Captain Kim had a temper, one that Kim Namjoon had a hard time controlling.

    And I was having a hard enough time controlling myself around Y/N these days.

    I went to my room, shutting the door and pacing the floor. I was tempted to go out in the training fields and run laps, the adrenaline rushing through my blood. Instead, I did push-ups, fighting with my thoughts.

How could she not understand what I was trying to do? She was there since the beginning. I told her everything. I never held back from her, lied to her, or hid myself from her. I was there when her father left for his death. I was there when she cried herself to sleep as a teenager. I trained her and Jungkook every day until I couldn't even stand.

I had always been there.

But she wasn't there when I had my skin burned by my superiors. She wasn't there when they beat me until I nearly died. She wasn't there when I risked my life to help those I wasn't supposed to be helping... including her precious master.

She didn't know me. If there was anyone in this world who was supposed to understand me, it was her.

If there was anyone to see through this Captain Kim charade it was her.

I needed her to see me. I needed someone to see me. Because everyone else who saw the real me was now dead.

Without her, I was nothing but Captain Kim.

I stopped doing push-ups, my hands shaking. I collapsed and rolled to my back, ignoring the salt on my lips as sweat beaded down my face. My robe draped open, showing me my scars.

Had I lost my mind? Why did I show her these? What was it going to do? All she would do is feel sorry for me, at the most. She wasn't suddenly going to change her feelings about Jungkook or anything else for that matter because I had shown her my suffering. It probably satisfied her.

She would hate me until the day she died. That was our fate.

But.. her hands on my chest were so warm. It was the touch of the girl I knew five years ago. Not the touch of someone who hated my existence.

And I knew if I had let her touch me any more... I wouldn't have been able to hold myself back.

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A few hours passed, and I did everything I could to stop my thoughts.

I wanted to go to her.

Despite everything, I still wanted to go to her. 

She didn't see me for who I was... but I couldn't stop seeing her. 

No matter how much she hated me... I couldn't forget my first love, even after all this time.

I stepped out, sliding her bedroom door open. I expected her to be awake, but she was deep in sleep. I couldn't help but smile. She treated me like a monster, but slept like nothing had changed between us.

My eyes wandered to the bottles on the table. Perfume bottles I had collected that reminded me of her. Did she still dream of being a perfume maker? Maybe not. But the smells and colors reminded me of that girl that used to light up whenever she passed the market, and before I knew it, I had collected a dozen of them.

She slept soundly on her mat - not in the window like she had been. I knelt next to her. I trained her to sleep lightly, to be alert for any sound, but here she was, disobeying my orders.

I smiled.

Do you trust me enough to sleep like this, Y/N?

    "Joon..." she whispered in her sleep.

    The breath in my lungs shuddered. I lowered myself to her side, laying on my back and looking at the ceiling in the same way we used to stare at the stars when we were kids.

    "I'm here," I whispered back.

    She hummed. "Mother's out late again. I'm scared."

    I tried not to laugh. For a moment I felt sixteen again, looking after the careless girl who muttered nonsense in her sleep.

    "I'll stay until she comes back," I said.

    She snuggled up to my side, and I lost all my resolve. She laid her head on my arm, and I brought her in more, smiling at the familiarity as she draped an arm over my chest. I placed my hand gently on hers, rubbing her skin with my thumb.

    She did this when we were young, after her father left. She felt abandoned - afraid that everyone would leave as he did.

    What she never understood was that her father left because he wanted to save his family, not leave it. His family meant everything to him, and coming home every day to watch them starve made him feel like a failure. He left to find a new life to take them to.

    And when he didn't come back... I knew it wasn't because he didn't want to.

Maybe I was more like her father than I thought. Both of us wanted to find a better life for our families, yet neither of us could return to them. No matter how badly we wanted to.

"Y/N... listen to me," I said, trying not to break her dream.

She whimpered with a deep sigh. I knew she wouldn't remember this conversation in the morning. She never did in the past, either.

"That night... That night I was going to ask you to marry me," I said. "I couldn't imagine a life without you."

She didn't answer. I continued.

"But we aren't who we once were... and I know you hate me. If you find someone who makes you happy, then I hope you go to him."

    When she didn't respond, I leaned over and kissed her forehead... for the last time.

Maybe in another life, I could hold her like this forever. But in this life, all I had was this moment. I couldn't give her anything more. I had already given her everything... and it wasn't enough.

I leaned into her ear, hoping out of anything, she would remember what I said next.

"Just remember..." I whispered, "no matter who you go to... remember that I loved you first."

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Excuse me while I rub some cream on the feels I just punched myself in... that's going to leave a bruise...

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