accomplice | ethan dolan

thirty seven

ethan

my alarm goes off, 7am sharp, but i'm already awake.

i haven't slept yet.

i want to sleep, and then wake up from the nightmare that is reality.

"daddy?" lucy comes into my room, rubbing her eyes.

"good morning" i smile.

"why is that so loud?" she yawns, talking about my alarm which i forgot to switch off.

"i'm sorry baby, did it wake you?" i ask and she nods.

i lift the covers up and she crawls under them before cuddling into me.

"we have to get up soon" i tell her, while running my hand through her hair.

"why?" she frowns looking up at me.

"because remember i told you we had to say goodbye to mommy?"

"when is she coming home?" she asks, resting her head on my chest, just like her mom would.

"she's not" i gulp, "she's gone to heaven" i remind her.

"she is coming home" she disagrees with me.

"lucy" i sigh, "you can't come home from heaven, it's in the sky"

she's 4 years old, she shouldn't have to go through any of this.

"but you went to heaven and came home" she says, taking me by surprise.

obviously her mom told her i had gone to heaven when i was supposed to be dead, which is going to make all of this even more confusing.

"i was never in heaven. mommy just thought i was" i tell her but i hear her snoring lightly.

she fell asleep in the time it took me to come up with an explanation.

trying to fall asleep would be pointless, as i've barely been able to all week.

i just stay as still as i can, making sure not to wake her, while taking in all her beauty.

her hair, her eyes, her nose, they all remind me of her mom.

she smiles just like her too.

she reminds me so much of her mom, it's bittersweet.

my alarm for 8am goes off and i have to wake her.

"i don't want to get up" she pushes my hand away as i nudge her gently.

"you have to baby"

"no" she buries her head into my chest.

"yes" i laugh sitting up, but she crawls into my lap to continue cuddling me.

honestly i can't imagine how i'd be coping if i didn't have lucy to keep me going.

"i bought you a new dress for today" i tell her and she smiles excitedly.

"can i see it?" she asks and i nod before getting out of bed and going to my closet.

in a way, i'm glad she's too young to understand death.

she cries for her mom every night, and during the day sometimes, but it's easy for her to cheer up.

a cuddly toy or a dress can take her mind off it.

i take her black dress out of my wardrobe and she smiles when she sees it.

it's just a simple black dress, but a little bit sparkly to keep her excited.