Lyra

67.

Lyra

I sat against my headboard, hands in my hair as tears stream down my face. For the past couple weeks I've been having internal battles with myself over many things. Over this "fame" that I've received, over my "love" for Hoseok and over my relationships with everyone. Ever since I became well known it was like everyone became distant with me. Am I pushing them away unintentionally? Do they not want to fall in the trap of anxiety and paranoia like me? What is it? I haven't been in contact with anyone for a few days and nobody has called or even texted me to see what was up? Maybe I have been pushing people away. Maybe I'm the problem and things would just be better off if I'm out the picture. If I was gone things would die down. Problems will be resolved and lives will move on.

I cause so much destruction and I don't even know it. I am the reason why people no longer are happy. Because I am so caught up in my head I haven't had the time to worry about anyone else. My game has been off and the coach has even sat me down because "ever since the fame got to my head I've been different." . Things just aren't the same. I'm not the same and I feel it. I feel the difference and I hate it. I want to change but I don't know what I can do to fix it.

I wipe the endless tears and reach for my phone, my hand visibly shaking from how much I'm crying. My vision blurs as I unlock my phone and call my mom. I place the phone to my ear as I listen to the phone ring. Right before I hang upp she answers.

"Hello?" She answers quietly and I could tell she just woke up.

"I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?" I ask instantly feeling bad.

"It's okay Lyra. I'm always here for you. Why are you crying?"

"I want to come home. I...I don't want to be here anymore." I whimper and she shuffles a bit on her side of the phone.

"Lyra you worked so hard to get to where you are at. What happened?"

"I'm ruin everything."

~~~

I sit up and I could tell I was crying in my sleep. I email my professors that I wasn't coming into class today and I slowly get up and head to the bathroom to take a shower. When I get out, I sit on the couch and just stare at the blank TV screen. I look at my phone and see a message mom left me. I smile at her encouraging words before tearing up. My chest tightens as I start to think about Minji, Eric, Mercedes and the others. I haven't been able to text Minji because I've been so busy with school. I blew Eric off one night because I was stressed about everything and he hasn't talked to me since. Mercedes avoids me now and I haven't gotten any words from Taehyung or any of the guys.

Maybe if...if I could just go back in time and just run away. I wouldn't have to deal with any of this. Or maybe if I wasn't affiliated with Taehyung-no. It's not his fault. This is all my fault. I started these things and I end up playing the victim because I'm used to everything just protecting me and saving me from things whether I cause them or not.

I just let the tears fall as I sit criss cross on the couch looking deep into the black TV screen. I lose myself as I stare off. I lean back as I feel my legs go numb and my chest get heavy. Almost as if someone put a huge weigh on top of me I feel myself sink into the couch.

"What would make you love me again? An apology? An 'I'm sorry' text? Maybe even a 'let's hang out' text..." I say subconsciously as my eyes never leave the TV screen.

Please tell me what to do. Tell me how to get my friends back. My family back.....

Myself back.

Hello readers.
I'm...not feeling the happiest..like at all and I kind of lost my happiness to write Lyra. I'll come back but...I can't write...feeling depressed. Please understand and I will update when I truly feel better...