You Just Think You Know Me

The Roller Coaster Never Stops

Normally turning 10 was a big deal, but not for me. I just didn't care anymore. All I done was cry, and want to be alone. I was also very small and skinny for my age; whereas my brother Nick was very big and husky for his age. Jack was six years older than me, so I expected him to be bigger than me; but not Nick, he was only two years older than me.

Nick always took advantage of his size and strength. He would push my mom around, and literally fight me and hurt me. He only done this when Jack and Johnny were not there. So, they never knew about it. Mom wouldn't tell Johnny about what Nick done, because she was scared of what he might do to Nick. Nick always had older friends, here he was only 12-years-old and hanging out with 16-year-olds. Which made him act like them, he also knew all about sex, because his friends would tell him. This apparently made him eager and wanting to have sex with someone, anyone for that matter. Problem was he was only 12, so no one wanted to have sex with him yet. Which only left one female vulnerable enough to where he could force himself on her and take advantage of her. Guess who that was? You guessed it! Me - his own sister.

It happened one day when my mom and Johnny left us at home. I was in my room; and Nick came in there and told me that I was going to do what he said, because he was in charge and I'd be sorry if I didn't do it. I asked him what he wanted, and that's when he told me. I said, "NO!" I also told him he was crazy. That was my worst mistake; I believe, because that's when he literally picked me up and threw me on the bed.

I was so numb to the world, and I was not strong enough to fight him off back then either. I'll never forget the first time he raped me. It hurt so bad, I tried to fight him off, but he punched me and told me to stop fighting. He held my hands above my head, and just kept on raping me for what seemed like forever. When he was done, he told me to go take a bath, and not to ever tell mom or Johnny. Given my past experiences, I wasn't going to tell them anyway; not like anything would have happened to him.

I was constantly getting abused by my friends dad, or my own brother. This went on for four more years. And every year it was like Nick got bigger and stronger and I stayed little. Even when he had a girlfriend, he would still rape me over and over.

When I was 13, I met and started talking to this guy named Jason. I was so excited, although he was older than me, it didn't matter. He would pick me up and take me to the skating ring, riding around, or he would take me to his house, etc. No matter what, he kept me away from Nick, and that meant a lot to me! We didn't stay together long though, he broke up with me, and tore my heart in to pieces. That was my first heartbreak and I was all alone again.

Nick was constantly getting in trouble at school, with the law, and at home. It caused a lot of arguments between my mom and Johnny. It didn't help Johnny was drunk every day. I loved Johnny and called him dad, because he was the only dad I knew. But he was an alcoholic, and him and my mom would constantly argue about his drinking, money, everything. They finally decided to get a divorce; so my mom, my brother Nick, and I moved into an apartment. It was a three-bedroom apartment so my brother and I had our own room, thank God. This didn't stop Nick from raping me, however I was finally growing, so I could almost fight him off. That made him mad! One day mom left us home alone and Nick come at me with a butcher knife. I knocked it out of his hand, so he came charging after me and tried kicking me in the stomach. I quickly moved out of the way, and his foot got stuck in the wall. He got it out and left the house. He got back right before mom did and told me if I told her, he'd kill us both. I was finally fed up, I ran outside and told mom. She came in and started yelling at Nick, when she did Nick grabbed her and pinned her up against the wall. That's when I tackled him and was able to knock him in the closet. I don't know where that strength came from, but I did it. My mom ran and called the cops. They came out and ended up having to hog tie him because he resisted arrest. The judge sentenced him to Stonewall Jackson Training school until he was 18. He was only 15 at the time. I was so happy. It was just me and mom, and Jack when he came home to visit.

When I turned 14, I started talking to a boy named Steven; who was the same age as me. He quickly told me that he loved me, and I in turn told him the same thing. We talked for a long time; one thing leads to another, and he ended up being my first (by choice) to have sex with. I knew it was a mistake, but I didn't want to lose him like I did Jason. I just wanted to feel loved, and he said he loved me. Come to find out he was lying, he only wanted one thing, and when I wouldn't do it anymore, he broke up with me. I didn't just feel bad, I also felt used. I hated being alone, because when I was with a guy, I felt secure and safe. But I still had my mom, right?